Friday, October 27, 2006

Job No. 55 - Global Team Leader

Having already applied to be a Country Director, I knew that I would have to find a pretty impressive job if I was going to top it, and was therefore initially thrilled to discover a vacancy for an Ocean Manager with DHL...

However, it rapidly became apparent that the position wasn't quite as good as it first sounded. Firstly, there was no mention of which ocean you would be managing - which is a fairly important matter when you consider the vast differences between Oceans; the Arctic Ocean is just 14 million square km (much of which is frozen - and hence very easy to manage) while the Pacific Ocean is far larger at nearly 180 million square km and positively teems with action all of the time...

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I was more than a little concerned by the amount of paperwork that would be involved; the job description said that you'd need to "Maintain employee records and complete yearly employee performance reviews" - I can't even begin to imagine how many living things are contained within the average ocean but, at a guess, I'd say lots. Which means I'd have an absolute bugger of a time trying to catch up with everything - I can just imagine the sort of queries and problems that would be cluttering up my working day: "Have you got the dental records of the 654 colonies of penguins to hand? Could we see the performance appraisal of Julian the Albatross? The
Union of Great White Sharks is annoyed that they've been downgraded from 'terrifying' to merely 'intimidating'..."

It's enough to drive you mad! So, instead I turned to an even more grandiose title - Global Team Leader with Primacy Relocations (although I'm not sure who put them in charge of things, possibly it's something to do with the fabled New World Order).

As Global Team Leader I would, of course, be in charge of everything - however, Primacy Relocations have clearly thought about the complexity of the role since they have given the Global Team Leader the ability to delegate to an unspecified number of Global Consultants who exist to do the Leader's bidding. I may see if I can change their title to Global Minions as I think this would sit much better with my understanding of their role. They could be the Darth Vader's to my Emperor (although, hopefully, without the skin problems)...

I was particularly excited about the fact that the job description asks candidates to 'handle escalated problems' - which I'm assuming is stuff like the problems in the
Middle East, Climate Change, Nuclear Proliferation, etc. I'm sure I could have that all sorted out by the end of the weekend if they give me enough freedom in my actions - next Wednesday at the latest...

In my application letter I stressed my qualifications to be the Earth's overall leader (and general overseer):

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Global Team Leader, as advertised on the Careerbuilder website, and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

I believe I am extremely well suited to the job as I have led a number of teams in the past and would be able to apply the same management systems (albeit scaled up) from within the bounds of this position.

I have a broad knowledge base of science and politics that I feel would be helpful in undertaking the position and believe that I would be able to wield the various discretionary powers of the role with a high level of equanimity - making sure I am deeply involved with any 'escalated problems' that may arise within my sphere of operation.

I appreciate the responsibility of the role and wish to assure you that I am fully capable of taking the reins and improving the standard of operations.



I'm sure that when they look at my CV, they'll see I'm the right person for their plans of world dictatorship. And, while they say that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, I can't think of a better person than me to enjoy such a situation...

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