Sunday, June 06, 2010

Job No. 93 - Rock Star Executive Assistant

Being a Liverpool fan, I was very tempted to make an application for the currently vacant manager position. However, what with Liverpool having failed to get into the Champions League, the two American owners apparently trying to milk the club for all its worth, little sign of a transfer budget and numerous players sounding like they might fancy a move away from Anfield, I decided that the climate probably wasn't right for my first move into Premiership management. Also, because I'm not entirely convinced that Hicks and Gillett wouldn't hire me, simply to save money...

So, with my football management career on hold, I turned instead to the pages of and found a particularly intriguing vacancy awaited me there - Rock Star Executive Assistant.

This appealed to me because, contrary to my initial expectations, it is not a job in which you are an executive assistant to a Rock Star. After all, while being an assistant to a Rock Star might have been vaguely fun, how could it ever compare to being assistant to Stephen Hawking?

So, I was very pleased to find out that they were looking for an executive assistant who was a rock star. This, I thought, was a superb opportunity - I don't need to do a whole lot about my general appearance (long hair, check; dark glasses; check; black shirts; check) and just need to work on my rock star behaviour to impress them.

The job description mentioned that this was not a position for "the faint of heart - it requires determination, long hours..."

Delving into the excesses of rock's yesteryears, it quickly became apparent that a career as a Rock Star certainly wasn't for the faint of heart - and that long hours of partying, while binging on a cocktail of alcohol and drugs (ably supported by an endless supply of groupies), was very much the order of the day. During my research I stumbled across a number of examples of Rock Star behaviour that I was sure would set me in good stead with my potential employers; from driving cars into swimming pools to throwing TV's out of the window of hotels, from setting fire to guitars to biting the head off bats. It seemed that the best way to impress them would be with my ability to show utter dedication to the rock star lifestyle...

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in order to apply for the position of Rock Star Executive Assistant, as advertised on

I believe that I would be an ideal fit for your organisation; I have no problems with either drugs or alcohol and am enthused about the opportunity to work long hours in this type of environment.

I possess a full, clean driving license and am adept at parking in even the most difficult situations; am in good physical condition (and thus capable of lifting heavy objects, such as - for example - television sets) and, additionally, am not particularly fussy with regard to any form of mammalian snacks.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly and becoming a Rock Star on your team.


Oliver Davies.

I have a good feeling about this one. I'm now going to nip out and stock up on razors, straws and animal tranquillisers so I'm fully prepared when they call me in for the interview...