It's less than two weeks to go until Eurovision 2019, which means that you also have less than two weeks to stock up with enough alcohol to dull the pain of watching it. This year we're heading to Tel Aviv and, after Lisbon's ban on LED screens, we're apparently set for a stage with all manner of technical wizardry. But, enough about that, let's head straight into the rules section...
As with all the previous years, some of the rules are a tad UK-centric so, if you intend to play this in another country, just ignore rules 1 and 27 and knock back two shots before you get started for good measure. Or, watch it on BBC and pretend to be British for the night so you to can feel our pain.
Finally, I need to issue my customary word of warning; this game is based upon the consumption of a great deal of strong alcohol. I cannot, therefore, be held responsible for your health (or lack of) if you stringently follow the rules of my game and drink yourself into oblivion. Play this game entirely at your own risk...
RequirementsA. A shot glass for every person playing (probably best to have a couple of spares in case people get overexcited).
B. The national drink of Israel is an anise-flavoured drink called Arak which is surprisingly alcoholic (usually about 50%), but which is intended to be drank watered down. If, however, you are like me and can't face the thought of spending the whole night drinking liquorice flavoured alcohol then I would recommend the ever reliable support of vodka or tequila. The bottom line, pick something suitably alcoholic and to your tastes...
Rules
The rules are really very simple. You take a sip of your chosen spirit:
1) Any time the British entry - Michael Rice- is mentioned. Drink an entire shot if they mention the fact he won the first season of All Together Now.
2) The host(s) demonstrate that the secret of comedy is timing. By having none.
3) The host(s) attempts to sing.
4) The host(s) pretends to be surprised at something that's going on in what is clearly a vaguely-rehearsed piece of improvisation.
5) The host(s) loses track of their autocue or mess up their timing.
6) The video shown before an act manages to put you off the act before they've even taken the stage. Drink a shot if it also comes across as a bad tourism advert for Israel.
7) You are not entirely sure whether the singer is man who looks like a woman, or a woman who looks like a man.
8) The singer is barefoot.
9) A country is represented by a singer from somewhere else in the world. Drink an entire shot if a country is represented by what seems to be a random person (or persons) scooped up off the streets and then pushed out on stage.
10) The act involves people on stage banging large drums or objects acting as large drums. Drink a shot if person playing aforementioned drum is bare chested.
11) An item of clothing is removed on stage. Drink an entire shot if it is removed by someone else.
12) The act is bald. Drink an entire shot if they are also female.
13) The act possesses a large moustache. It has to be said, there has - in recent years - been a dearth of large moustaches. I may have to start a petition soon...
14) The act is dressed in leather. Drink an entire shot if they are dressed in leather and have a large moustache.
15) If you hear a language used other than that of the nation who is singing (for example, English words in a song by Ukraine). One sip per language. If in any doubt, just take a sip.
16) You recognise the song immediately as being a blatant rip off of a previous winner of Eurovision.
17) The song is clearly an attempt to be 'hip' and 'contemporary' - and thus sounds like something that might have charted at the outer edges of the Top 40 about a decade ago.
18) The song is an ode to world peace. Drink three shots immediately if there are any children on stage at any time during the song.
19) There are dancers on stage who, by their movements and lack of synchronicity, appear to have perhaps had three dance lessons as a child and have never heard the song before tonight. Take a shot if they're wearing an especially outlandish costume.
20) People are pretending to play instruments on stage. Drink an entire shot if they take a pretend solo.
21) Every time there's some kind of pyrotechnic on stage.
22) Every time someone employs the use of a wind machine.
23) If the act attempts to distract attention from the paucity of quality in their offering by getting some kind of celebrity on stage with them (for reference: see Germany in 2009 who employed the services of Dita von Teese to absolutely no effect whatsoever).
24) Every time what's showing on the LCD screen is considerably more interesting than the act on the stage.
25) Every time there is an awkward silence and/or miscommunication between the hosts and the people reading out the votes. Drink an entire shot if the votes get mixed up.
26) Every time one of the people reading out the results of a country’s voting attempts to secure their 15 seconds of fame by babbling on incoherently and generally delaying things and winding a few hundred million people up.
27) Every time it’s "Royaume-Uni? Nil point!". Drink a shot each time, at the end of a voting round, the UK is in last place overall.
28) Every time a country gives top marks to someone for geographic, political or ethnic reasons.
29) If there is any alcohol left once the show is finished and you’re physically capable of coordinating the movement of alcohol from the bottle to your mouth...take a sip!
As ever, have fun and please don't blame me for the excessive pain and misery you will have to endure...not to mention the apocalyptic hangover you'll be suffering the day after!!
