Job No. 58 - Rap Writer

I found myself a curious vacancy this evening while using the remarkably helpful Simply Hired site (which enables you to search through the jobs of a whole variety of sites) although the actual vacancy was listed on the New Haven version of Craigs List. It seems that someone out there is seeking a Cleavage Model...

"Cleavage Models needed...no sex. Amateurs welcome. Just need a great chest...send picture for consideration..."

I thought this might be a useful area of work for me and so took a couple of sample pictures - but, if I'm honest, my cleavage was a little on the disappointing side. Perhaps it's simply a case of practice and, once I've sorted out my angles properly, I'll be able to show off my chest in its best light...but, until then, I think I'll pass on the cleavage modelling...

So, instead, I turned to the Atlanta version of Craigs List, where I found an advert for the position of Rap Writer. The heading asked 'Can you write for a rapper?' - which is something I'm sure I could do when I'm not writing their songs for them. I am hopeful that this is not a sad indictment of rapper literacy levels but is, instead, merely a testimony to how busy life is for the modern rapper - they have such a hectic schedule that they need to hire people to write things like shopping lists, telephone numbers, etc. However, aside from these mundane writing chores, the position also required the writing of songs:

"I am looking for a Songwriter that can write a rap for an aspiring artist...You will be paid for this service."

I liked the fact that you will be paid for this service - for a moment I thought I was going to be doing this purely out of the kindness of my heart - and I'm sure that I can deliver suitable raps for an aspiring artist. I decided that, in my application, I should include an exciting rap verse that would pique their curiosity and get them coming back for more...I just needed a subject to rap about...

And then, as I sat on the sofa, pondering deeply what subject would prove universal enough to bridge the physical and cultural gap of the Atlantic, I realised that I needed to rap about something that everyone could relate to whether they were young or old, black or white, rich or poor, male or female. So I decided I would rap about cheese...

[Verse]
Girls they flock to me, all wantin' somma my cheese,
I let them talk their talk, but they can just breeze.
They can hustle up close, try an shake ma tree,
But no cheddar for you babe, you don't get my brie.
Only girl who gets it is one who wouldn't ask,
Gotta find me that honey, ain't no easy task,
Cos girls love cheese and girls love dough
You think they hang around me cos they likin' my flow?
Crowd me like a marathon on Queensborough Bridge,
But I know she just a digger wit her eyes on ma fridge.
Well honey I hate to havta take the wind outta your sail,
You ain't gettin your hands on ma Wensleydale.
Eyes on ma cheese, but that's all you gettin,
Try to touch my cheddar, baby you gonna regret it...

I sent off my rap effort - secure in the knowledge that they would appreciate my ability to generate rap about vital and exciting topics - but shortly afterwards was perturbed to discover during a perusal of the 'Rap Dictionary' that the word Cheese has the following common meaning within the rapping community:

cheese

money; material wealth. "Big pimpin' spendin' cheese" -- Jay Z (Big Pimpin')

-may be referred to as cheddar. "keep your money, she make her own cheddar, all she want from me is respect like Aretha" -- Wyclef Jean (To All the Girls)

I am now concerned that all my hard work may have been wasted and that they may inadvertently misinterpret my glorious ode to the wonders of fermented dairy products (and the dangers of girls who are only interested in you because of it) as an altogether more tawdry and avaricious verse. Perhaps I should send them a follow-up email to clarify matters?

Week 8 - Update

Well, the halfway mark is well behind me and now I'm looking ahead to the three quarter mark, which is only a couple of weeks away now...and, beyond that, lies December 12th which I've got marked down as the day on which I will apply for my 100th job application...

Still no news back from Santa Barbara about whether they can assist with travelling expenses for the Sheriff's Correction Officer interview - I'm crossing my fingers! And, I've had a hectic weekend so, my apologies for not having got around to processing last week's TFM interview and putting it up on the blog - I will try and find a way to sort it out today.

In other blog type news, I need your ideas...

When I began the blog I calculated that I had just enough money to get me to the very end but, it appears my financial factoring was a little askew (obviously being an accountant would be a very unsuitable job for me) and that - unless something happens to improve matters - it's going to be pretty tough to find a way to not take some kind of job (read: any kind) before I get to the 100th application. Right now, funds are running low and I've managed to max out my credit card.

I did think it might be an idea to look into whether there was anyone who might be interested in sponsoring the blog - but I'm not really sure who would want to. So, I need your ideas on how to make some money to keep 100 Unsuitable Jobs well and truly afloat until the end of my quest! Answers on a postcard to the usual address or, failing that, feel free to send me an email!

Emails from reclusive billionaires with lots of money to spend on blogs about unsuitable job applications are especially welcome...

Job No. 57 - GT Racing Driver

Tonight I was using a new recruitment site, Snagajob, when I found a vacancy that seemed like it would be intellectually stimulating and financially rewarding - being the Chick-Fil-A Cow mascot for the Chick-Fil-A restaurant in Raleigh, North Carolina.

The job seems to largely (well, totally) revolve around the concept of dressing up as a cow - aside from that, there are no udder duties for you to perform. However, just as I was beginning to get excited and planning my trip to Raleigh, I read the final line of the job description:

"For aspiring actors or actresses this could be your big break!"

Suddenly, I began to worry - was I really ready for the worldwide fame, plaudits and general admiration that could follow from my role as the Chick-Fil-A Cow mascot? Could I deal with the constant hounding from the paparazzi and the endless rounds of premieres and gala luncheons? I could feel my pulse beginning to pound at the very thought...

It is a little known fact that Sir Laurence Olivier had a life of acting and fame thrust upon him thanks to his appearance dressed as Nipper, the RCA records dog, in 1930 - which catapulted him into an acting career of hundreds of film and stage roles. I wasn't sure that I could deal with such instant stardom so I decided to pass on Chick-Fil-A and its opportunity of a lifetime...

Instead, I decided that I would tonight apply to be a racing driver. It seems that Kruse Motor Sport are looking for someone to drive their Courage C65 race car in a variety of races, including the Le-Mans 24hr event. The Courage C65 is rather quick - it is about as powerful as a supercar (like the Saleen S7) while weighing about as much as a Smart Car - and I'm sure it would be considerably more entertaining to drive than my current Ford Focus 1.8 diesel...

I think this could be just the job for me - although I've never actually driven on a race track (unless you count the M6 Motorway) I've garnered a wealth of experience from my time spent playing on the Gran Turismo series of videogames on my Playstation and Playstation 2; in fact, I've managed to secure all my international licenses. And, while I seem to spend a large part of my virtual driving time either on the grass, in the gravel or going round in circles, I'm certain that in real life the whole thing is probably a lot easier.

And - since there are some people in the USA who argue that first person shooters can gift people with the shooting skills needed to be killers (despite using a joypad or a mouse rather than an actual gun), I'm sure that the altogether more realistic simulation provided by Gran Turismo and a steering wheel is surely enough to allow me to walk into the position of lead driver on their team...

In my application letter, I highlighted my extensive racing experience but didn't feel it necessary to mention that it was earned on my Playstation - after all, I'm sure it wouldn't really make much of a difference to how they consider my application:

Hi

I wish to apply for the advertised position of driver and have attached a recent CV.

I have extensive driving and racing experience - everything from Touring Cars to the GT series - and have all the relevant international licenses.

Recently, I have been putting in a considerable number of laps at the Nurburgring with my modified Pagani Zonda C12S and I make an effort to drive on a number of circuits around the world. I have experience of driving the Le-Mans Circuit de la Sarthe and believe that, given an opportunity, I could take my driving to the next level and drive the Courage C65 for you.

Regards

Oliver

I'm sure they will be impressed by my racing heritage and I hope to be jetting out to their headquarters in Cologne to put down some practice laps in their car very soon. Of course, I can't see myself being with them for too long - they're merely my stepping stone into the far more lucrative world of Formula 1...

Job No. 56 - Gender Advisor

While browsing the New Scientist job pages, I discovered a position that looked like it would be relatively stress free and which would also give me an opportunity to get some much needed practice at my Christmas present wrapping skills - Packaging Assessment Manager for Nirex.

Now, Nirex - from what I understand - are in charge of developing solutions for the safe disposal of the UK's nuclear waste and are quite open about the problem they face:

"...the UK has been generating radioactive waste since the 1950s and has accumulated a large volume, some of which will remain hazardous for tens of thousands of years. Even without additional nuclear reactors, that amounts to about 460,000m3. Nirex sets the standards and specifications for packaging that waste..."

So, as Packaging Assessment Manager I'd have to make sure that the wrapping was neat and orderly, that not too much sellotape was used (after all, Nirex aren't made of money) and that the gift tags were neatly written (it would be a shame for them to end up in the wrong hands). In addition, Nirex intend to use the Phased Geological Repository Concept - basically put, this involves all the boxes being wrapped up and then put into a big hole in the ground (with a handy note attached saying 'not to be opened until Christmas, 50,000AD).

However, I was a bit worried about the effects of wrapping nuclear waste on a day-to-day basis - after all, just think how many paper cuts I'd get and I always seem to find a way to catch myself on those sellotape dispensers - so I decided that I would instead look for something less hazardous to my health. And, thus, my attention turned to the Antipodes...

New Zealand is regarded by many as one of the world's top travel destinations - its varied climate, culturally diverse cities and rugged natural beauty making it increasingly popular with tourists - but, just beneath the surface, lurks a problem that has largely escaped the media's attention. It was only while scanning through the Guardian job pages that I discovered the deep-rooted sociological and cultural confusion that riddles much of the population - evidenced by the New Zealand International Aid & Development Agency's attempt to hire a Gender Advisor.

I'm not sure exactly when and where this confusion arose - although some scientists have pointed to the launch of the Guyliner range of cosmetics as being the tipping point that sent the whole problem firmly tumbling into the abyss - but I'm certain that I can help solve the problem.

I would recommend a cursory (and fully clothed) physical examination for starters - with more detailed examinations only being required for those specific individuals who arouse my scientific curiosity. For example, when considering the current crop of New Zealanders, I feel that Peter Jackson would only require a long-range physical examination (and quite possibly not even that - I could probably do it over the phone) while it is possible that supermodel Kylie Bax may demand slightly more attention...

I wasn't hesitant when the application form asked me "what contribution do you think you would make if you were appointed to this position?":

I believe that I would bring a fresh approach to the problems faced in this area; combining an empathic nature with a scientific methodology. I think it is important to develop a suitable screening process that allows for issues to be resolved in distinct phases - determining which individuals can be dealt with from a distance and which will require considerable personal interaction. I feel that, if I were appointed to the position, I would be able to contribute a great deal and help reduce the percentage of individuals who have to suffer.

Hopefully, they'll give my application serious consideration and let me deal with New Zealand's burgeoning gender confusion issues - I'm sure I can sort them out...

Job No. 55 - Global Team Leader

Having already applied to be a Country Director, I knew that I would have to find a pretty impressive job if I was going to top it, and was therefore initially thrilled to discover a vacancy for an Ocean Manager with DHL...

However, it rapidly became apparent that the position wasn't quite as good as it first sounded. Firstly, there was no mention of which ocean you would be managing - which is a fairly important matter when you consider the vast differences between Oceans; the Arctic Ocean is just 14 million square km (much of which is frozen - and hence very easy to manage) while the Pacific Ocean is far larger at nearly 180 million square km and positively teems with action all of the time...

Secondly, and perhaps more importantly, I was more than a little concerned by the amount of paperwork that would be involved; the job description said that you'd need to "Maintain employee records and complete yearly employee performance reviews" - I can't even begin to imagine how many living things are contained within the average ocean but, at a guess, I'd say lots. Which means I'd have an absolute bugger of a time trying to catch up with everything - I can just imagine the sort of queries and problems that would be cluttering up my working day: "Have you got the dental records of the 654 colonies of penguins to hand? Could we see the performance appraisal of Julian the Albatross? The Union of Great White Sharks is annoyed that they've been downgraded from 'terrifying' to merely 'intimidating'..."

It's enough to drive you mad! So, instead I turned to an even more grandiose title - Global Team Leader with Primacy Relocations (although I'm not sure who put them in charge of things, possibly it's something to do with the fabled New World Order).

As Global Team Leader I would, of course, be in charge of everything - however, Primacy Relocations have clearly thought about the complexity of the role since they have given the Global Team Leader the ability to delegate to an unspecified number of Global Consultants who exist to do the Leader's bidding. I may see if I can change their title to Global Minions as I think this would sit much better with my understanding of their role. They could be the Darth Vader's to my Emperor (although, hopefully, without the skin problems)...

I was particularly excited about the fact that the job description asks candidates to 'handle escalated problems' - which I'm assuming is stuff like the problems in the Middle East, Climate Change, Nuclear Proliferation, etc. I'm sure I could have that all sorted out by the end of the weekend if they give me enough freedom in my actions - next Wednesday at the latest...

In my application letter I stressed my qualifications to be the Earth's overall leader (and general overseer):

Dear Sir/Madam

I wish to apply for the position of Global Team Leader, as advertised on the Careerbuilder website, and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.

I believe I am extremely well suited to the job as I have led a number of teams in the past and would be able to apply the same management systems (albeit scaled up) from within the bounds of this position.

I have a broad knowledge base of science and politics that I feel would be helpful in undertaking the position and believe that I would be able to wield the various discretionary powers of the role with a high level of equanimity - making sure I am deeply involved with any 'escalated problems' that may arise within my sphere of operation.

I appreciate the responsibility of the role and wish to assure you that I am fully capable of taking the reins and improving the standard of operations.

Regards

Oliver.

I'm sure that when they look at my CV, they'll see I'm the right person for their plans of world dictatorship. And, while they say that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, I can't think of a better person than me to enjoy such a situation...