Job No. 84 - Manager of Lesotho National Football Team

I've always had a soft spot for football management. I can trace it back to the moment, as a young boy, that I realised there was one thing holding me back from being a professional footballer; namely that I failed to possess anywhere near sufficient poise, elegance, skill or general coordination to actually play the game well (I can, however, play the game very badly with some style). And so, with my playing career cut short by incompetence at such an early age, it became obvious to me that I should look instead to the heady world of management...

So, when I saw that the well-known footballing powerhouse that is Lesotho were looking for somebody to take over from their current, caretaker, manager I realised that this was surely my moment to seize the footballing glory that has been denied to me for so long.

I'll admit, I wasn't entirely sure where Lesotho was (apparently it's the world's southernmost landlocked country - being entirely surrounded by South Africa) but when I read that it was currently ranked as the 150th best team in the world (a smidgen below Bangladesh, a fraction above Sri Lanka) I realised that this was the job to ease me comfortably into the world of football management. From here, I could look to work my way up the ladder to a Spain or a Brazil...or, if worst came to worst, I could abandon all hope and go manage Wales...

Now, admittedly, Lesotho don't have the most impressive run of form in international competition. They've never qualified for the World Cup and they have a patchy history with regard to the African Nations Cup that seems to involve either not entering, not qualifying, withdrawing from the competition or being banned (for previously withdrawing from the competition). But surely that just sets the stage for a Rocky-like rise from obscurity? All they need is the right man in the job...

I decided to use the same flexibility with the truth that had so nearly seen me take the reins at the Chicago Cubs and rely upon my extensive football management experience (principally gained playing Championship Manager - although I also managed to pick up some useful tactical knowledge playing 'dice football' on the train to school):

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in order to apply for the currently vacant position of Lesotho National Football Manager.

I am an English coach with extensive experience of success in the English football league (although I have also been involved in European competition) and believe that I have what it takes to bring Lesotho to the next level of footballing excellence. I have cultivated a very hands-on approach to the game from an early age, ever since my playing career was tragically cut short, and have focused instead on the tactical and strategic aspects of the game.

I believe that, with the right coaching and motivation, there is no reason that Lesotho could not be a major power in world football - and that I am the man to bring about that change.

I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

Regards

Oliver.

I am certain they will be impressed by my experience and pedigree. The only thing that concerns me a little is whether, in real football, you're allowed to save your progress before each game (and start again if you're playing rubbish). I think I may need to follow up on this with FIFA...

New Year Update

Is it just me that finds it hard to believe that it is now 2010, a date I previously believed only existed in Arthur C Clarke novels?

Well, I figured a quick update on how things are going was well due but, I can only assume due to the Christmas post, things have been relatively quiet. I received an encouraging, if slightly disappointing, response from my application for an Adult Day Center Specialist. They told me:

"Although your background and experience are impressive, we cannot offer you a position at this time."

I also continued to be upset by my failure to apply to be Director of the NATO Undersea Research Centre - however, my spirits were lifted somewhat when I saw, in the log of IP addresses that have visited the blog, that I have received a number of visits from an IP address that is registered to the NATO Undersea Research Centre. So perhaps, even though I didn't manage to get my application in on time, they are still planning on considering me...

Job No. 83 - Adult Day Center Specialist

Finding a way into the harsh and competitive world of business management can be a tough task; usually you have to take some kind of lowly paid junior position in which your prime responsibilities include coffee making and being abused and shouted at - and then hope that you can stick in there long enough for someone higher in the company tree to fall out (or be pushed), thus freeing up some space for you to clamber upwards and direct all your pent-up ire and aggression at the new junior...

Which is why, I feel, Primecare really deserve to be congratulated for attempting to break the mold and introduce an entirely new concept, in the shape of Practice Business Manager. Now you can experience all the excitement, all the adventure and all the exhilaration without actually putting anyone's business in danger with your, frankly amateurish, management skills.

But, in truth, I felt that a practice position was probably a little too suitable for my needs. I needed something more daring, something in which I could make a real difference in the lives of people to stimulate my interest. Which is why my attention was, quite literally, aroused at the sight of a vacancy as Adult Day Center Specialist.

The adult industry has, since the latter stages of the 20th century, exploded in commercial potential; once upon a time, adult entertainment was the province of the dirty old man but now there is a more widespread social acceptance - typified by NewCourtland of Philadelphia whose Adult Day Centers are obviously intended as a means of achieving one's adult goals.

They are clearly seeking someone who can set a suitable example in this area as an ideal candidate will be one who "enables participants to maintain independence and control to the greatest extent possible." I will be happy to assist in any way I can; discussing both methodology and medical aids in this area; with a bit of expert guidance I'm certain I can provide what NewCourtland's clients are looking for "enabling them to attain/maintain their highest possible level of functioning."

This was a challenge I was prepared to take in hand - and one which had the potential for considerable public exposure...

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in order to apply for the position of Adult Day Center Specialist.

While I am not, by any means, a specialist in the area of Adult Day Centers, I believe that I have the necessary skillset and motivation, not to mention considerable experience on a voluntary basis.

I am fully committed to the ideal of enabling participants to maintain independence and control to the greatest extent possible; and believe this can be achieved through a well structured programme of physical training, video tuition and - in the most needy of cases - medical intervention.

I think the area of Adult Day Centers is very much under explored and that this is a position in which I would be prepared to stand proudly, in which I would be able to focus on and expose my assets in a way that could benefit the lives of others. If you give me a chance to prove myself, I will endeavour to deliver the finest Adult Day Center experience yet; I think that there is much to learn from Continental Europe (particularly systems in place in the Netherlands) and I would hope to import some of these, very attractive, models to form a basis for increased performance on my own behalf.

Regards

Oliver.

Now I just have to wait and see whether they recognise my potential; nonetheless, I am ready for action at just a moment of their notice...

Job No. 82 - Director of the National Museum of Australia

Today's job hunting presented me with a particularly difficult dilemma; representing that age-old battle between the material and the immaterial, between physical prowess and intellect; as I wrestled with the difficult decision of either applying to be a Russian Audience Champion with the BBC, or the Director of the National Museum of Australia...

I must admit, the idea of being a Russian Audience Champion stirred within me images of Spartacus and Gladiator, and I could easily envisage myself (likely clad in some sort of strange and ornate body armour) striding forth in packed arenas to defend the honour of Russian Audiences worldwide in a series of life or death battles.

And I suppose, it was at that point, that my imagination rang a little alarm bell somewhere. Life or death? I mean, I have a sincere and deep love for the honour and happiness of the Russian audience - but did I really want to be lying on the floor, giant spear sticking out my side, drifting slowly out of consciousness as the Luxembourg Audience Champion did some kind of strange Luxemborgian victory jig?

Which, turned me immediately to a far easier position, in the shape of Director of the National Museum of Australia...

Why easier, you might ask? Well, I did some checking on Australia and I found out that, apparently, it wasn't discovered until 1606 and it wasn't actually claimed until 1770. Which means, Australia has only 229 years of history - surely making it one of the easiest museums in the world to run! In fact, if anything, I suppose the most difficult thing about being Director of the National Museum of Australia is finding stuff to put in there...

The museum obviously already knows this is a problem as, in the advert, they were quite clear that the new Director would need to "enhance knowledge of Australia's cultural identity."

So, I had a quick trawl through my limited knowledge of Australian cultural identity and immediately thought of Neighbours, Vegemite, Mel Gibson, Kangeroos, Ugg Boots and Elle Macpherson. The trouble was, once my mind got to Elle Macpherson it kind of stuck there and - as hard as I tried to shift in onto other potential Australasian museum fillers - it didn't want to move on.

Nevertheless, armed with the conviction that I possessed enough antipodean knowledge to at least scrape through to the interview stage, I wrote out an application letter that would hopefully let them see my potential:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing in order to apply for the position of Director of the National Museum of Australia, as advertised within the Guardian newspaper.

While not possessing a background in the museum industry, as such, I do possess considerable expertise in providing entertainment to a specified target demographic and feel that my skillset would translate extremely well.

I have many ideas on how I would act to enhance knowledge of Australian cultural identity; through dissemination of Australian entertainment, Australian cuisine, Australian exports, Australian wildlife, Australian fashion and Elle Macpherson.

I am keen to enter the museum industry, and I see the National Museum of Australia as being a perfect fit where I can hone my skills in a challenging, yet relatively historically exiguous, environment.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Regards

Oliver.

I was very proud of the, almost subliminal, way in which I had broached the topic of Ms. Macpherson and was feeling confidently smug about my chances until I suddenly realised that I had made no mention, whatsoever, in my application of one of the principal aspects of Australian cultural identity; Dame Edna Everage. I am now a little concerned that they will not take my application seriously...

Chapter Two is done...

This weekend, as well as writing Job No. 80 (Strong Accountant), I've been trying to find some time to continue working on my - as yet untitled - second novel.

So far, I'm really pleased with how's it going - I completed the second chapter over the weekend and I really feel like it's going to turn out to be one of the best things I've ever written. I know that there's a long, long path ahead of me but, when I'm able to find the time to write, it's just such an enjoyable process...

I'll keep you updated with it's progress as I work my way through it!