This being All Hallows Eve, I decided to see if I could find myself a suitably themed job application - and, after spending some time looking through the Simply Hired website, I found myself with two exciting options for the evening...
Firstly, I found an opportunity to live out all my childhood Ghostbuster fantasies, as it seems that C.A.S.P.E.R Investigations (Central Arizona Specialists in Paranormal Event Research) are looking for a Paranormal Investigator. However, my initial excitement at the job soon began to wane when I realised that, not only do C.A.S.P.E.R suffer from a distinct lack of PKE meters and Ghost Traps but also - from the photos on their myspace page - it appears that they have no Proton Packs!
The remainder of the job application failed to reassure my concerns:
"It would be great if you had your own or some of your own equipment. (voice recorders, digital cameras, video cameras, emf detecor, digital thermometers. etc)"
And the final straw to break the back of my opportunity to pretend to be Bill Murray was the fact that C.A.S.P.E.R are a non-profit organisation so this is strictly a non-paying gig. Well, I don't know about you, but I don't think I'm quite ready to challenge ghouls, ghosts and giant Marshmallow Men purely for the fun of it...
So instead I turned my attention to my second choice vacancy - Valet (Graveyard) for the Balboa Bay Club & Resort in Newport Beach.
I'm not entirely sure why the Balboa Bay Club & Resort feels it is necessary to provide an on-site cemetery - perhaps it's merely a marketing ploy to differentiate them from other nearby resorts - but I assume it has proven to be a success since they need to take on extra staff. I have to say, although I'm not particularly squeamish, I did find some of the job's duties to be a little on the distasteful side:
"Greet all guests; park guest vehicle safely; provide assistant to guests relative to transportation needs and/or concerns."
I realise that the Balboa Bay Club is a highly prestigious and luxurious resort but greeting all the guests seems a little over-the-top - after all, they're surely unlikely to complain (at least, very loudly) if I don't bother to say hello when they arrive. However, if the job truly requires it, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to pop the lid for five minutes and exchange brief pleasantries...
Having never driven a hearse, I'm a little unsure about my ability to park guest's vehicles but I'm sure it's something that I'll get the hang of after a while. However, my biggest concern is with regard to the guest's transportation needs - I can only theorise that this particular graveyard is so high-class that the dead are moved around so they don't get bored of the view. I'm hoping they'll at least provide me with gloves for this part of my work.
Nevertheless, feeling that I could well be the man for this particular job, I decided to write a covering letter to demonstrate my understanding of the position:
Dear Sir/Madam
I am writing with regard to the Valet (Graveyard) position and have attached a recent resume for your consideration.
I believe that it is vital to treat your guests with respect and to ensure they have a restful stay. It would be my pleasure to handle any transportation requests they might have and to transfer them between sites where necessary.
I feel good hygiene is essential when dealing with guests and imagine that a stout pair of gloves may well prove to assist with this aspect of the job. I also know that, while I need to adopt a lively manner, it is unacceptable to attempt to fraternize with any of the guests. While some may take this position with the expectation of interacting with the guests, I take a more professional and detached viewpoint.
I trust you will give my application serious consideration and look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards
Oliver.
I'm certain that this Lord Tennyson inspired "valet of death' position is likely to catch on and, before you know it, all the major hotels will be finding room for a small cemetery on their grounds (perhaps converting the odd wine cellar here, reserving a room there). And I could be in there, right at the very beginning - ready to then capitalise on the forthcoming expansion of the industry. Oh yes, the market may well be a little dead at the moment...but in a few years it might just be really dead...
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Minor Update - TFM Interview
Well, it took me a while to getting around to processing the audio file of last week's TFM interview but I've finally managed it!
Contained within this week's interview, you can also hear a short snippet of the newsreading demo I recorded at the TFM Studios - have a listen to it here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/tfminterview7.mp3
Contained within this week's interview, you can also hear a short snippet of the newsreading demo I recorded at the TFM Studios - have a listen to it here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/tfminterview7.mp3
Monday, October 30, 2006
Job No. 58 - Rap Writer
I found myself a curious vacancy this evening while using the remarkably helpful Simply Hired site (which enables you to search through the jobs of a whole variety of sites) although the actual vacancy was listed on the New Haven version of Craigs List. It seems that someone out there is seeking a Cleavage Model...
"Cleavage Models needed...no sex. Amateurs welcome. Just need a great chest...send picture for consideration..."
I thought this might be a useful area of work for me and so took a couple of sample pictures - but, if I'm honest, my cleavage was a little on the disappointing side. Perhaps it's simply a case of practice and, once I've sorted out my angles properly, I'll be able to show off my chest in its best light...but, until then, I think I'll pass on the cleavage modelling...
So, instead, I turned to the Atlanta version of Craigs List, where I found an advert for the position of Rap Writer. The heading asked 'Can you write for a rapper?' - which is something I'm sure I could do when I'm not writing their songs for them. I am hopeful that this is not a sad indictment of rapper literacy levels but is, instead, merely a testimony to how busy life is for the modern rapper - they have such a hectic schedule that they need to hire people to write things like shopping lists, telephone numbers, etc. However, aside from these mundane writing chores, the position also required the writing of songs:
"I am looking for a Songwriter that can write a rap for an aspiring artist...You will be paid for this service."
I liked the fact that you will be paid for this service - for a moment I thought I was going to be doing this purely out of the kindness of my heart - and I'm sure that I can deliver suitable raps for an aspiring artist. I decided that, in my application, I should include an exciting rap verse that would pique their curiosity and get them coming back for more...I just needed a subject to rap about...
And then, as I sat on the sofa, pondering deeply what subject would prove universal enough to bridge the physical and cultural gap of the Atlantic, I realised that I needed to rap about something that everyone could relate to whether they were young or old, black or white, rich or poor, male or female. So I decided I would rap about cheese...
[Verse]
Girls they flock to me, all wantin' somma my cheese,
I let them talk their talk, but they can just breeze.
They can hustle up close, try an shake ma tree,
But no cheddar for you babe, you don't get my brie.
Only girl who gets it is one who wouldn't ask,
Gotta find me that honey, ain't no easy task,
Cos girls love cheese and girls love dough
You think they hang around me cos they likin' my flow?
Crowd me like a marathon on Queensborough Bridge,
But I know she just a digger wit her eyes on ma fridge.
Well honey I hate to havta take the wind outta your sail,
You ain't gettin your hands on ma Wensleydale.
Eyes on ma cheese, but that's all you gettin,
Try to touch my cheddar, baby you gonna regret it...
I sent off my rap effort - secure in the knowledge that they would appreciate my ability to generate rap about vital and exciting topics - but shortly afterwards was perturbed to discover during a perusal of the 'Rap Dictionary' that the word Cheese has the following common meaning within the rapping community:
"Cleavage Models needed...no sex. Amateurs welcome. Just need a great chest...send picture for consideration..."
I thought this might be a useful area of work for me and so took a couple of sample pictures - but, if I'm honest, my cleavage was a little on the disappointing side. Perhaps it's simply a case of practice and, once I've sorted out my angles properly, I'll be able to show off my chest in its best light...but, until then, I think I'll pass on the cleavage modelling...
So, instead, I turned to the Atlanta version of Craigs List, where I found an advert for the position of Rap Writer. The heading asked 'Can you write for a rapper?' - which is something I'm sure I could do when I'm not writing their songs for them. I am hopeful that this is not a sad indictment of rapper literacy levels but is, instead, merely a testimony to how busy life is for the modern rapper - they have such a hectic schedule that they need to hire people to write things like shopping lists, telephone numbers, etc. However, aside from these mundane writing chores, the position also required the writing of songs:
"I am looking for a Songwriter that can write a rap for an aspiring artist...You will be paid for this service."
I liked the fact that you will be paid for this service - for a moment I thought I was going to be doing this purely out of the kindness of my heart - and I'm sure that I can deliver suitable raps for an aspiring artist. I decided that, in my application, I should include an exciting rap verse that would pique their curiosity and get them coming back for more...I just needed a subject to rap about...
And then, as I sat on the sofa, pondering deeply what subject would prove universal enough to bridge the physical and cultural gap of the Atlantic, I realised that I needed to rap about something that everyone could relate to whether they were young or old, black or white, rich or poor, male or female. So I decided I would rap about cheese...
[Verse]
Girls they flock to me, all wantin' somma my cheese,
I let them talk their talk, but they can just breeze.
They can hustle up close, try an shake ma tree,
But no cheddar for you babe, you don't get my brie.
Only girl who gets it is one who wouldn't ask,
Gotta find me that honey, ain't no easy task,
Cos girls love cheese and girls love dough
You think they hang around me cos they likin' my flow?
Crowd me like a marathon on Queensborough Bridge,
But I know she just a digger wit her eyes on ma fridge.
Well honey I hate to havta take the wind outta your sail,
You ain't gettin your hands on ma Wensleydale.
Eyes on ma cheese, but that's all you gettin,
Try to touch my cheddar, baby you gonna regret it...
I sent off my rap effort - secure in the knowledge that they would appreciate my ability to generate rap about vital and exciting topics - but shortly afterwards was perturbed to discover during a perusal of the 'Rap Dictionary' that the word Cheese has the following common meaning within the rapping community:
cheese
money; material wealth. "Big pimpin' spendin' cheese" -- Jay Z (Big Pimpin')
-may be referred to as cheddar. "keep your money, she make her own cheddar, all she want from me is respect like Aretha" -- Wyclef Jean (To All the Girls)
I am now concerned that all my hard work may have been wasted and that they may inadvertently misinterpret my glorious ode to the wonders of fermented dairy products (and the dangers of girls who are only interested in you because of it) as an altogether more tawdry and avaricious verse. Perhaps I should send them a follow-up email to clarify matters?Week 8 - Update
Well, the halfway mark is well behind me and now I'm looking ahead to the three quarter mark, which is only a couple of weeks away now...and, beyond that, lies December 12th which I've got marked down as the day on which I will apply for my 100th job application...
Still no news back from Santa Barbara about whether they can assist with travelling expenses for the Sheriff's Correction Officer interview - I'm crossing my fingers! And, I've had a hectic weekend so, my apologies for not having got around to processing last week's TFM interview and putting it up on the blog - I will try and find a way to sort it out today.
In other blog type news, I need your ideas...
When I began the blog I calculated that I had just enough money to get me to the very end but, it appears my financial factoring was a little askew (obviously being an accountant would be a very unsuitable job for me) and that - unless something happens to improve matters - it's going to be pretty tough to find a way to not take some kind of job (read: any kind) before I get to the 100th application. Right now, funds are running low and I've managed to max out my credit card.
I did think it might be an idea to look into whether there was anyone who might be interested in sponsoring the blog - but I'm not really sure who would want to. So, I need your ideas on how to make some money to keep 100 Unsuitable Jobs well and truly afloat until the end of my quest! Answers on a postcard to the usual address or, failing that, feel free to send me an email!
Emails from reclusive billionaires with lots of money to spend on blogs about unsuitable job applications are especially welcome...
Still no news back from Santa Barbara about whether they can assist with travelling expenses for the Sheriff's Correction Officer interview - I'm crossing my fingers! And, I've had a hectic weekend so, my apologies for not having got around to processing last week's TFM interview and putting it up on the blog - I will try and find a way to sort it out today.
In other blog type news, I need your ideas...
When I began the blog I calculated that I had just enough money to get me to the very end but, it appears my financial factoring was a little askew (obviously being an accountant would be a very unsuitable job for me) and that - unless something happens to improve matters - it's going to be pretty tough to find a way to not take some kind of job (read: any kind) before I get to the 100th application. Right now, funds are running low and I've managed to max out my credit card.
I did think it might be an idea to look into whether there was anyone who might be interested in sponsoring the blog - but I'm not really sure who would want to. So, I need your ideas on how to make some money to keep 100 Unsuitable Jobs well and truly afloat until the end of my quest! Answers on a postcard to the usual address or, failing that, feel free to send me an email!
Emails from reclusive billionaires with lots of money to spend on blogs about unsuitable job applications are especially welcome...
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Job No. 57 - GT Racing Driver
Tonight I was using a new recruitment site, Snagajob, when I found a vacancy that seemed like it would be intellectually stimulating and financially rewarding - being the Chick-Fil-A Cow mascot for the Chick-Fil-A restaurant in Raleigh, North Carolina.
The job seems to largely (well, totally) revolve around the concept of dressing up as a cow - aside from that, there are no udder duties for you to perform. However, just as I was beginning to get excited and planning my trip to Raleigh, I read the final line of the job description:
"For aspiring actors or actresses this could be your big break!"
Suddenly, I began to worry - was I really ready for the worldwide fame, plaudits and general admiration that could follow from my role as the Chick-Fil-A Cow mascot? Could I deal with the constant hounding from the paparazzi and the endless rounds of premieres and gala luncheons? I could feel my pulse beginning to pound at the very thought...
It is a little known fact that Sir Laurence Olivier had a life of acting and fame thrust upon him thanks to his appearance dressed as Nipper, the RCA records dog, in 1930 - which catapulted him into an acting career of hundreds of film and stage roles. I wasn't sure that I could deal with such instant stardom so I decided to pass on Chick-Fil-A and its opportunity of a lifetime...
Instead, I decided that I would tonight apply to be a racing driver. It seems that Kruse Motor Sport are looking for someone to drive their Courage C65 race car in a variety of races, including the Le-Mans 24hr event. The Courage C65 is rather quick - it is about as powerful as a supercar (like the Saleen S7) while weighing about as much as a Smart Car - and I'm sure it would be considerably more entertaining to drive than my current Ford Focus 1.8 diesel...
I think this could be just the job for me - although I've never actually driven on a race track (unless you count the M6 Motorway) I've garnered a wealth of experience from my time spent playing on the Gran Turismo series of videogames on my Playstation and Playstation 2; in fact, I've managed to secure all my international licenses. And, while I seem to spend a large part of my virtual driving time either on the grass, in the gravel or going round in circles, I'm certain that in real life the whole thing is probably a lot easier.
And - since there are some people in the USA who argue that first person shooters can gift people with the shooting skills needed to be killers (despite using a joypad or a mouse rather than an actual gun), I'm sure that the altogether more realistic simulation provided by Gran Turismo and a steering wheel is surely enough to allow me to walk into the position of lead driver on their team...
In my application letter, I highlighted my extensive racing experience but didn't feel it necessary to mention that it was earned on my Playstation - after all, I'm sure it wouldn't really make much of a difference to how they consider my application:
Hi
I wish to apply for the advertised position of driver and have attached a recent CV.
I have extensive driving and racing experience - everything from Touring Cars to the GT series - and have all the relevant international licenses.
Recently, I have been putting in a considerable number of laps at the Nurburgring with my modified Pagani Zonda C12S and I make an effort to drive on a number of circuits around the world. I have experience of driving the Le-Mans Circuit de la Sarthe and believe that, given an opportunity, I could take my driving to the next level and drive the Courage C65 for you.
Regards
Oliver
I'm sure they will be impressed by my racing heritage and I hope to be jetting out to their headquarters in Cologne to put down some practice laps in their car very soon. Of course, I can't see myself being with them for too long - they're merely my stepping stone into the far more lucrative world of Formula 1...
The job seems to largely (well, totally) revolve around the concept of dressing up as a cow - aside from that, there are no udder duties for you to perform. However, just as I was beginning to get excited and planning my trip to Raleigh, I read the final line of the job description:
"For aspiring actors or actresses this could be your big break!"
Suddenly, I began to worry - was I really ready for the worldwide fame, plaudits and general admiration that could follow from my role as the Chick-Fil-A Cow mascot? Could I deal with the constant hounding from the paparazzi and the endless rounds of premieres and gala luncheons? I could feel my pulse beginning to pound at the very thought...
It is a little known fact that Sir Laurence Olivier had a life of acting and fame thrust upon him thanks to his appearance dressed as Nipper, the RCA records dog, in 1930 - which catapulted him into an acting career of hundreds of film and stage roles. I wasn't sure that I could deal with such instant stardom so I decided to pass on Chick-Fil-A and its opportunity of a lifetime...
Instead, I decided that I would tonight apply to be a racing driver. It seems that Kruse Motor Sport are looking for someone to drive their Courage C65 race car in a variety of races, including the Le-Mans 24hr event. The Courage C65 is rather quick - it is about as powerful as a supercar (like the Saleen S7) while weighing about as much as a Smart Car - and I'm sure it would be considerably more entertaining to drive than my current Ford Focus 1.8 diesel...
I think this could be just the job for me - although I've never actually driven on a race track (unless you count the M6 Motorway) I've garnered a wealth of experience from my time spent playing on the Gran Turismo series of videogames on my Playstation and Playstation 2; in fact, I've managed to secure all my international licenses. And, while I seem to spend a large part of my virtual driving time either on the grass, in the gravel or going round in circles, I'm certain that in real life the whole thing is probably a lot easier.
And - since there are some people in the USA who argue that first person shooters can gift people with the shooting skills needed to be killers (despite using a joypad or a mouse rather than an actual gun), I'm sure that the altogether more realistic simulation provided by Gran Turismo and a steering wheel is surely enough to allow me to walk into the position of lead driver on their team...
In my application letter, I highlighted my extensive racing experience but didn't feel it necessary to mention that it was earned on my Playstation - after all, I'm sure it wouldn't really make much of a difference to how they consider my application:
Hi
I wish to apply for the advertised position of driver and have attached a recent CV.
I have extensive driving and racing experience - everything from Touring Cars to the GT series - and have all the relevant international licenses.
Recently, I have been putting in a considerable number of laps at the Nurburgring with my modified Pagani Zonda C12S and I make an effort to drive on a number of circuits around the world. I have experience of driving the Le-Mans Circuit de la Sarthe and believe that, given an opportunity, I could take my driving to the next level and drive the Courage C65 for you.
Regards
Oliver
I'm sure they will be impressed by my racing heritage and I hope to be jetting out to their headquarters in Cologne to put down some practice laps in their car very soon. Of course, I can't see myself being with them for too long - they're merely my stepping stone into the far more lucrative world of Formula 1...
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