Monday, September 16, 2013

Job No. 96 - Rapper

Now it has been, I'm sure you'll agree, quite some time since I last managed to make an unsuitable job application but the desire to find, and apply, for an unsuitable job has been growing and growing and - after doing my level best to resist for long months - I finally snapped when I saw the ad below on craigslist:

This was, I was certain, surely the moment that I had been waiting for. Why, only the other week I had been bemoaning the lack of diversity in the world of rap and hip/hop - particularly when it comes to British rappers. You see, it would seem that in order to be a British rapper you really need to come from the East End of London and I felt that this was a job application that would not only allow me to push my own artistic boundaries but also one which would allow me to lay down a marker for all future rap with a distinctly upper class accent.

Of course, I mused, I needed a moniker. All good rappers, it would seem, have one - from 50 Cent to Slim Shady to Snoop Dogg (Lion?). So I needed a name that really summed up everything I aimed to be. The answer, in retrospect, was blindingly obvious. I needed to do exactly what I said on the tin. I needed to be The Posh Rapper.

With my moniker thus carefully selected, I needed to select a track that would enable me to show off my lyrical chops and which would be familiar enough that it would be possible to see how much I'd improved upon the original. I, therefore, chose Macklemore and Ryan Lewis' Thrift Shop.

I had a listen, it all seemed easy enough. Of course, I didn't have any decent recording equipment. And nor did I have much time, so I recorded the verses and chorus separately on my phone and then dropped them in over a karaoke track. This rapping lark was nowhere near as difficult as I'd imagined and I was certain that this was exactly the type of unique style that would get me noticed. I decided the icing on the cake would be to make a small video to go along with it - so they'd be able to see I wasn't just pure vocal talent but was also a creative visionary. So that you too can enjoy the fruits of my extensive rap labour, I've made it available below:

So, with the video carefully crafted I knew I needed one last thing. An application letter that would show them that I meant business, an application letter that demonstrated I knew my rap. I realised that, if I was going to successful blend in with the other applications from more seasoned rappers I would need to use the rap dictionary.

However, the problem was that whoever constructed the dictionary had a problem with their spelling. On numerous occasions I found words missing their last letter (kickin', bumpin') so, while the dictionary was useful, I ended up having to fix numerous typos along the way meaning that it didn't save me anywhere near as much time as I hoped. Nonetheless, by the time I had finished, I had an application letter that said, in capital letters, that I was certainly not whack:


Now I know you're going to find this straight-up kicking because I'm up in here stunting. There will be no doubt that I murk this track (which, incidentally, is a reworking of Macklemore and Ryan Lewis' rather successful 'Thrift Shop). I think you're going to find this both dope and bumping but check out my game, listen to my flow, and then hit me up so we can both make us some cheese. You know what I'm saying?

Best Regards

The Posh Rapper

This, I'm sure, is the application that finally brings fame and fortune to my door and, in the words of Curtis '50 Cent' James Jackson III, we're going to be watching the money pile up...

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