Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Job No. 91 - Bad Debt Collector

I have a theory relating to films, a theory that first coalesced around about the time that I first watched Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. The theory holds that the relationship between a good film and a bad film is entirely circular; which is to say that a film can be so bad that it comes all the way back round to being good.

Pah, you say (or some similar utterance), I've had that theory for years! But wait, there's more...

You see, because the relationship is circular it means that, if you watch a film that is truly, deeply, utterly, mind-numbingly and soul-destroyingly bad (please, watch Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus in its entirety so you truly understand) then not only does it come all the way round to being good but it keeps going - until it has come all the way back round to being bad again.

Now, you may be asking yourself why, I am making reference to this fascinating cinematic theory (which, even now people are likely scribbling down and trying to turn into a PhD). Well, the answer is simple - the circular theory, as I realised today, can also be applied to the relationship between suitable and unsuitable jobs.

Which is why, tempting as it may be, I cannot apply for the position of Gay Travel Guru, as advertised on

So, instead, I have today turned my attentions to a job which, initially, I thought would be a cinch for me since it required that I be completely inept - Bad Debt Collector in La Porte, Indiana. After all, it's not often that you find a job in which they are actively looking for people who are bad at their job (with the possible exception of politics, in which it appears to be a prerequisite) so I was quick to begin crafting my application letter.

Until a worrying thought crept into my head. What if they didn't want a bad debt collector but, instead, wanted a bad debt collector? A quick visit to an online dictionary and I was left in a quandary - were they looking for someone who would fail to achieve an adequate standard in their debt collection, or someone who would carry out their duties in an evil and sinful manner?

Choices, choices.

So, I decided to play it safe and, after a quick watch of Pulp Fiction, crafted a letter that would hint at my ability to seamlessly adapt to either interpretation:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am writing with reference to the position of Bad Debt Collector, as advertised on

While I am not formally trained in the noble art of debt collection I have the sense (from your job advertisement) that this may not necessarily be a negative and, indeed, could be a positive. I feel that I could attain the very nadir of your expectations and fulfil the demands of the role.

I appreciate that the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men and, thus, I feel that the position of Bad Debt Collector would be a perfect opportunity to strike down, with great vengeance and furious anger, those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers.

I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.



Now, I just have to sit back and wait. I have a feeling this could be the one; unless, that is, they want me to lay my vengeance upon them...


Quinn said...

Ah, tis moments like this when I'm proud to be a job applicant!!


megaman said...

The unfortunate aspect of being hired for this job is that if you don't collect the debt then you get to meet the bad personnel director...bad meaning bad..

I enjoyed reading your posts, funny and creative. Will be back for more.