This evening, while exploring the wonders of an assortment of recruitment sites, I found myself confronted with a job that sounded as if it would require somebody with, not only immense charisma and confidence, but also a unique talent - Solid Waste Practise Leader with LFR...
Now, this struck me as a rather personal matter for one to have to deal with on a daily basis - in fact, I imagine it could be quite a strain when you consider that the position requires for you to 'mentor and develop staff'. I anticipate this would be accomplished during some form of group session - with you leading by example, before encouraging the group to demonstrate their abilities. Although, with such a demanding job, if you were to achieve all of your goals, you would likely be flushed with success...
However, to me, it felt like a role where I just be going through the motions all day - so I decided to cast about some more for a vacancy that suited me a little better...
Drawing upon the inspiration of the old adage "those that can do; those that can't, teach." I took it upon myself to apply to be a Flight Instructor for the Phoenix East Aviation Flight School.
Now, I've played Microsoft Flight Simulator once or twice, and it seems to me to be quite easy - apart from the fact that, contrary to expectations, pushing up on the joystick makes the plane go down and pushing down on the joystick makes the plane go up. That seems rather silly to me, but I'm sure I'll get used to it given enough time...
Besides, I've watched enough movies to know that, apart from taking off and landing, all the pilots do for the rest of the time is stick the plane on autopilot, put their feet up, and then plot how best to seduce an air hostess when they land. Thankfully, the seduction aspect is part of the 'on the job' training so I will chiefly have to teach them how to switch the autopilot on and how to put their feet up (preferably without disengaging said autopilot).
Taking off and landing is meant to be a little more difficult - especially when you get mixed up between the up and down controls - but I think the former is largely a case of putting your foot down and giving the joystick a good yank, while the latter just involves following the white lines (but stopping before the big terminal building at the end). However, to be on the safe side, I'm going to pop a copy of Ace Combat 5 on my PS2 later and get to grips with some of the more acrobatic manoeuvres - I'm sure they'll so impressed by the fact that I know how to execute a full barrel roll that they won't bother to ask me whether I can take off and land...
Another area of flight instruction that I'm happy to be involved in is tutoring the dos and don't of airline speak - for example it is perfectly acceptable for the Captain to say "We are experiencing some technical difficulties and will be forced to make an unscheduled landing to resolve these; there is no reason to worry and we apologise for any inconvenience this may cause you." but considerably less acceptable for the Captain to say. "The engines are a tad buggered, we're looking for somewhere vaguely flat to put down - but, frankly, it would be helpful if you knew how to swim..."
With such a combination of manual dexterity and piloting etiquette, I'm sure the Phoenix East Aviation Flight School will have a hard time turning me down...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Job No. 53 - Force Arson Reduction Officer
I was browsing the USA variant of Monster this morning when I stumbled across two particularly gruesome jobs...
The first vacancy was for a Hand Packer with the recruitment agency Manpower - a job whose primary skills were listed as 'inspecting, sorting and packaging' - but I didn't think it was really quite the job for me. As anyone who has ever received a present from me will readily testify, my packaging skills usually involve covering said present in a tangled mess of paper and then using thick swathes of sellotape in order to prevent the present from being opened without the use of an oxycetelene torch...and I'm sure hands are nothing if not difficult to pack...
The second vacancy, and very much along similar lines, was for a Hand Sorter working for Ocean Spray. I can only deduce the harvesting process of cranberries is such a haphazard one that they need to employ people to remove the variety of digits that accidentally end up amongst the fruit. However, even this seemed to require a level of manual dexterity several levels above mine - you see, I'm all fingers and thumbs when it comes to things like this...
So, instead, I took the advice of Nellie who posted a comment suggesting that I apply for the position of Force Arson Reduction Officer with Thames Valley Police.
Obviously arson has gotten to be such a large problem within the Thames Valley Police that they've decided they need to hire a full-time employee dedicated to stamping it out - and I say, it's about time. For far too long police officers have been able to get away with acts of wanton arson - and being bored, or having nothing to do and nowhere to go, is simply not an acceptable excuse...
There is a feeling amongst some police forces that a degree of arson is to be expected from their officers and they're prepared to turn a blind eye to minor acts, such as setting fire to wheelie bins or throwing fireworks into people's front gardens, as long as they don't escalate into more serious acts involving people, pets or major government buildings (or, indeed, any combination of these three). But, clearly, Thames Valley Police want to take the lead in tackling this problem and aim to show that they are not prepared to tolerate firebrands on their team...
In my personal statement, I hoped I would come across as an individual who wouldn't tolerate any kind of arsonist tendencies within serving police officers:
I believe I could assist Thames Valley in reducing the incidence of arson within its force area by acting to inform those who are thinking about committing such acts of the danger it can pose to themselves and others, and also trying to make them understand that just because they're at a loose end and are looking for something interesting to do, doesn't justify setting fire to something.
Too many police forces aren't tackling this problem with enough priority and, unless this type of programme is mirrored across the country then the dangers posed by arson are only likely to increase - without a comprehensive policy to stop this dangerous behaviour, I can only assume officers will continue to see a rise in this type of behaviour.
I also think that acting to catch potential arsonists early on would be beneficial - perhaps using the existing teaching network to point out any pupils that they feel are showing these types of tendencies. There are some police forces who consider this to be a low priority, as long its force is dealing with more visible crime, but I think Thames Valley should be congratulated for its endeavours in this area.
I'm sure that, if given the job, I will be able to find ways to reduce the incidence of police arson - hopefully by finding more productive activities for the police to channel their boredom and aggression into or give them somewhere to go so they're not just hanging around the streets all night looking for trouble...
The first vacancy was for a Hand Packer with the recruitment agency Manpower - a job whose primary skills were listed as 'inspecting, sorting and packaging' - but I didn't think it was really quite the job for me. As anyone who has ever received a present from me will readily testify, my packaging skills usually involve covering said present in a tangled mess of paper and then using thick swathes of sellotape in order to prevent the present from being opened without the use of an oxycetelene torch...and I'm sure hands are nothing if not difficult to pack...
The second vacancy, and very much along similar lines, was for a Hand Sorter working for Ocean Spray. I can only deduce the harvesting process of cranberries is such a haphazard one that they need to employ people to remove the variety of digits that accidentally end up amongst the fruit. However, even this seemed to require a level of manual dexterity several levels above mine - you see, I'm all fingers and thumbs when it comes to things like this...
So, instead, I took the advice of Nellie who posted a comment suggesting that I apply for the position of Force Arson Reduction Officer with Thames Valley Police.
Obviously arson has gotten to be such a large problem within the Thames Valley Police that they've decided they need to hire a full-time employee dedicated to stamping it out - and I say, it's about time. For far too long police officers have been able to get away with acts of wanton arson - and being bored, or having nothing to do and nowhere to go, is simply not an acceptable excuse...
There is a feeling amongst some police forces that a degree of arson is to be expected from their officers and they're prepared to turn a blind eye to minor acts, such as setting fire to wheelie bins or throwing fireworks into people's front gardens, as long as they don't escalate into more serious acts involving people, pets or major government buildings (or, indeed, any combination of these three). But, clearly, Thames Valley Police want to take the lead in tackling this problem and aim to show that they are not prepared to tolerate firebrands on their team...
In my personal statement, I hoped I would come across as an individual who wouldn't tolerate any kind of arsonist tendencies within serving police officers:
I believe I could assist Thames Valley in reducing the incidence of arson within its force area by acting to inform those who are thinking about committing such acts of the danger it can pose to themselves and others, and also trying to make them understand that just because they're at a loose end and are looking for something interesting to do, doesn't justify setting fire to something.
Too many police forces aren't tackling this problem with enough priority and, unless this type of programme is mirrored across the country then the dangers posed by arson are only likely to increase - without a comprehensive policy to stop this dangerous behaviour, I can only assume officers will continue to see a rise in this type of behaviour.
I also think that acting to catch potential arsonists early on would be beneficial - perhaps using the existing teaching network to point out any pupils that they feel are showing these types of tendencies. There are some police forces who consider this to be a low priority, as long its force is dealing with more visible crime, but I think Thames Valley should be congratulated for its endeavours in this area.
I'm sure that, if given the job, I will be able to find ways to reduce the incidence of police arson - hopefully by finding more productive activities for the police to channel their boredom and aggression into or give them somewhere to go so they're not just hanging around the streets all night looking for trouble...
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Job No. 52 - Psychic Medium
In the past I have come across jobs that seemed interesting, I've come across jobs that looked a possible match and I've even come across the odd job that felt right - but, up until now, I'd never come across a job that was my destiny...
Today, while take an afternoon stroll around the internet, I stumbled across a vacancy for a Psychic Medium in Glasgow (on a Wednesday) - and the advert stated that "Only those who feel that working with the Tarot and the Psychic Arts is their destiny need apply". Well, I have to admit, I wasn't sure whether it was my destiny or not, so I decided that I should check by using the full spectrum of paranormal fortune telling at my disposal.
1) First of all I tried an online tarot reading - which gave me the following answer: "The essence of air behaving as water, such as a refreshing mist"
2) Then I decided that I should try out Stichomancy - which basically involves asking a question and then selecting a random passage from a book which is meant to offer insight. My tome of choice was the Yellow Pages and I received the following answer: "Peking Chef, Chinese Take-away, 01642 767070."
3) Finally, I decided to consult the I-Ching which turned up Hexagram 42 to represent the future giving me the answer. "There will be advantage in every movement which shall be undertaken, and it will even be advantageous to cross the great stream."
Now, this all made perfect sense to me.
First, we have two references to water - a refreshing mist (which clearly relates to the drizzle forecasted tonight in Glasgow) and a mention of 'crossing the great stream' which, I'm sure you'll agree, relates to my need to cross the River Tees in order to get there...
But, the clincher for me was the Stichomancy reading - this was pure dynamite. Peking Chef is a Chinese restaurant and China is in the East - and Glasgow is in the West. Which would seem to be a negative but it's a Tuesday today and Peking Chef is always closed on a Tuesday! Not only that but, my favourite items on the Peking Chef menu are number 15. Singapore Style Rice Noodles, number 11. Curry Sauce and number 12. Chips...and, by using numerology, we can see that my favourite items equal the number 2 (1+5+1+1+1+2= 11 = 1+1 = 2) - with the New Age definition of this number meaning "Hidden influences at work."
I rest my case. I am destined to take this job. I decided I should emphasise this fact within my application letter:
Dear Sir/Madam
I wish to apply for the position of Psychic Medium, as advertised on your website.
Although my working life has been spent in the field of computer game design, I have always possessed a strong psychic ability and am an expert in the field of tarot cards. I have attached a suitable reference at the base of this email who will be willing to testify to my abilities in this area.
I am especially keen on 22 card spiritual readings, but am also fully capable of performing mundane readings with a full deck. I believe in the use of Orris root and the necessity of a cleansing ritual for cards prior to use (and keep my deck wrapped in purple cloth and within a walnut box for spiritual purity).
As soon as I saw the job I felt a tangible pull to the North West and I felt certain that my destiny lay with you. However, to be on the safe side, I performed a number of rituals to see whether our auras would be properly aligned and I was delighted to find that we would form a natural balance. In my divinations, the name Sam was prominent - I'm not sure if this means anything to you?
I feel certain you will feel the same spiritual bond when you read these words and can sense that I will be hearing from you very soon....
Regards
Oliver.
If ever there was a job that was a cast-iron certainty, surely this is it! Already I can sense strong positive psychic waves telling me to get ready to deliver my spiritual message to the people of Glasgow....
...on Wednesdays.
Today, while take an afternoon stroll around the internet, I stumbled across a vacancy for a Psychic Medium in Glasgow (on a Wednesday) - and the advert stated that "Only those who feel that working with the Tarot and the Psychic Arts is their destiny need apply". Well, I have to admit, I wasn't sure whether it was my destiny or not, so I decided that I should check by using the full spectrum of paranormal fortune telling at my disposal.
1) First of all I tried an online tarot reading - which gave me the following answer: "The essence of air behaving as water, such as a refreshing mist"
2) Then I decided that I should try out Stichomancy - which basically involves asking a question and then selecting a random passage from a book which is meant to offer insight. My tome of choice was the Yellow Pages and I received the following answer: "Peking Chef, Chinese Take-away, 01642 767070."
3) Finally, I decided to consult the I-Ching which turned up Hexagram 42 to represent the future giving me the answer. "There will be advantage in every movement which shall be undertaken, and it will even be advantageous to cross the great stream."
Now, this all made perfect sense to me.
First, we have two references to water - a refreshing mist (which clearly relates to the drizzle forecasted tonight in Glasgow) and a mention of 'crossing the great stream' which, I'm sure you'll agree, relates to my need to cross the River Tees in order to get there...
But, the clincher for me was the Stichomancy reading - this was pure dynamite. Peking Chef is a Chinese restaurant and China is in the East - and Glasgow is in the West. Which would seem to be a negative but it's a Tuesday today and Peking Chef is always closed on a Tuesday! Not only that but, my favourite items on the Peking Chef menu are number 15. Singapore Style Rice Noodles, number 11. Curry Sauce and number 12. Chips...and, by using numerology, we can see that my favourite items equal the number 2 (1+5+1+1+1+2= 11 = 1+1 = 2) - with the New Age definition of this number meaning "Hidden influences at work."
I rest my case. I am destined to take this job. I decided I should emphasise this fact within my application letter:
Dear Sir/Madam
I wish to apply for the position of Psychic Medium, as advertised on your website.
Although my working life has been spent in the field of computer game design, I have always possessed a strong psychic ability and am an expert in the field of tarot cards. I have attached a suitable reference at the base of this email who will be willing to testify to my abilities in this area.
I am especially keen on 22 card spiritual readings, but am also fully capable of performing mundane readings with a full deck. I believe in the use of Orris root and the necessity of a cleansing ritual for cards prior to use (and keep my deck wrapped in purple cloth and within a walnut box for spiritual purity).
As soon as I saw the job I felt a tangible pull to the North West and I felt certain that my destiny lay with you. However, to be on the safe side, I performed a number of rituals to see whether our auras would be properly aligned and I was delighted to find that we would form a natural balance. In my divinations, the name Sam was prominent - I'm not sure if this means anything to you?
I feel certain you will feel the same spiritual bond when you read these words and can sense that I will be hearing from you very soon....
Regards
Oliver.
If ever there was a job that was a cast-iron certainty, surely this is it! Already I can sense strong positive psychic waves telling me to get ready to deliver my spiritual message to the people of Glasgow....
...on Wednesdays.
Monday, October 23, 2006
Job No. 51 - Executive Director
I began this afternoon by attempting to apply to be the new voice of the speaking clock - a job that is open to any UK resident by means of entering a competition at the BBC Children In Need website...
However, it seems that, even in a competition that is open to anyone, my application did not go well. I made the phonecall (which costs £1.50) and gave them a sample of my best speaking clock voice before being given the chance to answer a qualifying question that would allow my entry into the competition. Given three options, I selected the correct answer - but it appears even giving the right answer won my no favours with the BBC as a female voice told me "That is not an option. Goodbye" and immediately cut me off...
So, with my wallet £1.50 lighter and yet still no nearer to being the voice of the speaking clock I began to browse the Guardian jobs site rather randomly (it is a very good site to explore, especially if you approach the process with no sense of either purpose or direction) until I found myself in a position to answer a higher calling.
There are many, many Executive Director positions advertised on a myriad of recruitment websites but very few can boast of divine inspiration; you see, this position would see me - quite literally - on a mission from God as I would be working for Churches Together in Britain and Ireland (CTBI) as an Executive Director of Operation Noah.
As the job advert said, "Climate change is humanity's biggest challenge. Help the Churches lead the way."
I think this is excellent forethought on the behalf of the CTBI; after all, back in the day, Noah had to do everything himself without even the hint of a schedule or effective project managerial leadership. The initial contract is for two days per week for twelve months so I'm assuming things aren't too desparate just yet and there's plenty of time left for ark construction and animal gathering.
The position is based at the London HQ of CTBI which, rather helpfully, is only a couple of hundred yards from the Thames - thus allowing for the ark, in times of flood, to simply clear its moorings and float down Stamford Street before bearing hard to starboard and using Hatfields to majestically sweep its way past the BBC Television Centre and into the Thames (from which point, things become far easier in terms of navigation).
I'm hoping, as Executive Director, I would be given a little leeway in animal selection this time around as this idea of taking two of every species is surely a little old now - for example, I'd rather hope we can leave the wasps behind as they seem to be of very little use. Also, I'm certain the CTBI could make an absolute bundle if it were to sell space in the ark (perhaps to celebrities and their pets?). I was sure there would be plenty of opportunity to discuss these sorts of ideas during the course of my interview but wanted my personal statement to, at least, hint at them:
I am extremely interested in your project as I believe it is a necessity for the Church to take a lead in this area. The Church can be unfettered by the restrictions that a similar project would have in the commercial, or even governmental, arena and this means Operation Noah can be a huge success.
I have plenty of experience of managing complex technical projects against strict timescales and believe that this experience would be essential for the success of Operation Noah.
I am also creative and imaginative and would hope to be intimately involved with the decision process to ensure that we don’t rely on out-dated ideas. It is vital for Operation Noah to truly represent the 21st century and I feel that there are means to develop funding streams through the course of the project – especially with regard to celebrity involvement.
I'm certain, with me at the helm, Operation Noah can be a tremendous success. I plan to give London Zoo a ring tomorrow and see if I can negotiate some kind of sponsorship deal up front to show the CTBI I mean business...
However, it seems that, even in a competition that is open to anyone, my application did not go well. I made the phonecall (which costs £1.50) and gave them a sample of my best speaking clock voice before being given the chance to answer a qualifying question that would allow my entry into the competition. Given three options, I selected the correct answer - but it appears even giving the right answer won my no favours with the BBC as a female voice told me "That is not an option. Goodbye" and immediately cut me off...
So, with my wallet £1.50 lighter and yet still no nearer to being the voice of the speaking clock I began to browse the Guardian jobs site rather randomly (it is a very good site to explore, especially if you approach the process with no sense of either purpose or direction) until I found myself in a position to answer a higher calling.
There are many, many Executive Director positions advertised on a myriad of recruitment websites but very few can boast of divine inspiration; you see, this position would see me - quite literally - on a mission from God as I would be working for Churches Together in Britain and Ireland (CTBI) as an Executive Director of Operation Noah.
As the job advert said, "Climate change is humanity's biggest challenge. Help the Churches lead the way."
I think this is excellent forethought on the behalf of the CTBI; after all, back in the day, Noah had to do everything himself without even the hint of a schedule or effective project managerial leadership. The initial contract is for two days per week for twelve months so I'm assuming things aren't too desparate just yet and there's plenty of time left for ark construction and animal gathering.
The position is based at the London HQ of CTBI which, rather helpfully, is only a couple of hundred yards from the Thames - thus allowing for the ark, in times of flood, to simply clear its moorings and float down Stamford Street before bearing hard to starboard and using Hatfields to majestically sweep its way past the BBC Television Centre and into the Thames (from which point, things become far easier in terms of navigation).
I'm hoping, as Executive Director, I would be given a little leeway in animal selection this time around as this idea of taking two of every species is surely a little old now - for example, I'd rather hope we can leave the wasps behind as they seem to be of very little use. Also, I'm certain the CTBI could make an absolute bundle if it were to sell space in the ark (perhaps to celebrities and their pets?). I was sure there would be plenty of opportunity to discuss these sorts of ideas during the course of my interview but wanted my personal statement to, at least, hint at them:
I am extremely interested in your project as I believe it is a necessity for the Church to take a lead in this area. The Church can be unfettered by the restrictions that a similar project would have in the commercial, or even governmental, arena and this means Operation Noah can be a huge success.
I have plenty of experience of managing complex technical projects against strict timescales and believe that this experience would be essential for the success of Operation Noah.
I am also creative and imaginative and would hope to be intimately involved with the decision process to ensure that we don’t rely on out-dated ideas. It is vital for Operation Noah to truly represent the 21st century and I feel that there are means to develop funding streams through the course of the project – especially with regard to celebrity involvement.
I'm certain, with me at the helm, Operation Noah can be a tremendous success. I plan to give London Zoo a ring tomorrow and see if I can negotiate some kind of sponsorship deal up front to show the CTBI I mean business...
Week 7 - Update
This week has been a busy one for me; I've had an interview on TFM, I've got the final piece of paperwork needed to complete my male escort application and I got a letter telling me that I'd been rejected by the University of Teesside as an Employer Engagment Co-ordinator as well as another rejection from ITV for my application as a Broadcast Journalist (apparently the standard of applications was high!)...
Of course, the big news of the week was being offered an interview for the position of Sheriff's Correction Officer in
Oh, and some breaking news as I type it - Bleed The Sky have announced they've ended their search for a new guitarist. But it isn't me...I can only guess that my application got lost in cyberspace somewhere...
I'm not disheartened though; after all, I'm sure the right job for me is just around the corner...
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