Ever the fan of grandiose job titles, I couldn't help but being impressed today when - while browsing through the ever dependable USA Jobs website - I found a vacancy for a Country Director working for the Peace Corp...
Now, I had to do a bit of checking to find out exactly what a Country Director does but it seems that the job entails you being in charge of hundreds of Peace Corp volunteers plus up to fifty Peace Corp full-time employees and a multi-million dollar budget. Which sounds quite easy...
Not only do I have plenty of experience of managing teams (by my reckoning I've been in charge of at least five game development teams over the last ten years) and wasting multi-million dollar budgets but also, if there's one thing I've learnt from being in the game industry it is that the further up the management ladder you manage to climb, the less work you actually have to bother doing. Consequently, by the time you have clambered all the way to the very top of the greasy career pole to be a Country Director, you have dispensation to do absolutely nothing all day long...
I can already imagine how my average day is likely to go; breeze into a suitably exotic country on a late morning commuter flight from Teesside, walk swiftly through the office nodding in the vague direction of my minions (communication via nodding is taught at management school as an essential tactic since it saves the nuisance of having to learn the names of your underlings) before shutting myself away in my office for an hour while I check out what's been happening on my favourite websites (aided only by a fresh pot of tea delivered to me at regular fifteen minute intervals). With the hard part of the day out of the way, it's soon time for an extended lunch; returning in time to have a twenty minute meeting with my senior staff where I eat biscuits and delegate any work that might hinder my ability to relax. With that done, I can wander the office delivering glib motivational one-liners for half an hour or so (to make sure team morale is at its optimum level) before retiring to my office, secure in the knowledge I've done my bit, to spend the afternoon sharpening my all-important Solitaire skills. Then, before you know it, it's 4pm and time to march out of the office (carrying a bulging briefcase and laptop for effect) with my best harried expression (which I practise each morning in the mirror), handing out a few curt nods on my way, before catching an early flight back to good old Blighty...
However, I realised an important piece of information was missing from the job advert - the country that I would be directing.
This is, I'm sure you'll agree, very important. After all, I imagine it is much easier to direct a small country such as Monaco than it is to direct a far larger country such as, say, India. Equally, if possible, I'd like to try and direct somewhere that's not likely to see any kind of civil war, insurgency or popular uprising and where they have clement weather and you can get a decent cup of Earl Grey (I've heard St. Barthelemy is meant to be quite nice). I decided to delicately touch upon the issue in my application letter...
Dear Marc
I wish to apply for the position of Country Director, as advertised on the USA Jobs site, and have attached my most recent resume.
Not only do I have extensive experience of team management and handling multi-million dollar budgets but, during the last six years of my consultancy work, I have been responsible for the vision of the projects I've worked on. I always make sure that, while my primary responsibility is to manage the team, I am mindful of the fact that we will always be judged by our results.
I have extensive experience of dealing with the media - most recently being interviewed for BBC Radio 5 - and believe I have the necessary skills to succeed within the role.
The job advert did not specify exactly where the position would be stationed and, while I am obviously prepared to travel wherever the job takes me, I would be especially interested to know whether you have any current roles available in the Caribbean?
Regards
Oliver
I feel sure this marginal bending of the truth will be enough to convince them that I am, indeed, the man for the job and, before long, I could be directing a country (not so) near you...
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Special Update - Anti-Weightism Campaign
Today, I decided to up the ante on my Anti-Weightism campaign...
After finding myself victimised by weightists, I pushed ahead with my campaign but, despite having an excellent slogan (Hell, No! We won't grow!) and an equally superb campaign poster, I knew that I would need to enlist some serious support if I was to raise the profile of this heinous problem to a level where it could be exposed to the media. So, I did what any good campaigner would do and attempted to obtain some celebrity support - starting with Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Dear Mr. Schwarzenegger
I am writing to seek your support for a campaign that I am organising...
Recently, I became aware that the recruitment policies of some companies were prejudicing the opportunities of candidates who weren't prepared to adjust their physical dimensions. I myself was rejected for a job because I was 6kg too light for the requirements of the company - and it appears I am not in the minority as there are a multitude of jobs advertised that insist on specific weight limits.
In this day and age, when the dangers of obesity have never been more clear, I feel it is vital that we send a message that this kind of discrimination won't be tolerated. As not only the Governor of California, but also a figure of some stature within the fitness world, I was hoping you might be able to give me a positive quote that I can use to further enhance our campaign.
I look forward to hearing from you. You can make a huge difference.
Regards
Oliver.
I'm certain that Arnie will be back in touch soon and, in the meantime, I'm drawing up a list of celebrities and organisations to approach and get on board with the campaign. I believe people should be able to live in a world where they are free to apply for jobs without fear of being rejected due to lack of weight...
After finding myself victimised by weightists, I pushed ahead with my campaign but, despite having an excellent slogan (Hell, No! We won't grow!) and an equally superb campaign poster, I knew that I would need to enlist some serious support if I was to raise the profile of this heinous problem to a level where it could be exposed to the media. So, I did what any good campaigner would do and attempted to obtain some celebrity support - starting with Arnold Schwarzenegger...
Dear Mr. Schwarzenegger
I am writing to seek your support for a campaign that I am organising...
Recently, I became aware that the recruitment policies of some companies were prejudicing the opportunities of candidates who weren't prepared to adjust their physical dimensions. I myself was rejected for a job because I was 6kg too light for the requirements of the company - and it appears I am not in the minority as there are a multitude of jobs advertised that insist on specific weight limits.
In this day and age, when the dangers of obesity have never been more clear, I feel it is vital that we send a message that this kind of discrimination won't be tolerated. As not only the Governor of California, but also a figure of some stature within the fitness world, I was hoping you might be able to give me a positive quote that I can use to further enhance our campaign.
I look forward to hearing from you. You can make a huge difference.
Regards
Oliver.
I'm certain that Arnie will be back in touch soon and, in the meantime, I'm drawing up a list of celebrities and organisations to approach and get on board with the campaign. I believe people should be able to live in a world where they are free to apply for jobs without fear of being rejected due to lack of weight...
Job No. 39 - Retail Space Strategist
After the abject disappointment I felt when I was rejected by NASA for the position of Deputy Director, Exploration of the Universe Division, my spirits were lifted today when I spotted another cosmological themed vacancy on the Monster UK website - Retail Space Strategist.
With more and more of the world either developed or in development, it came as little surprise to me to find out that retailers are actively considering how best to reach out and expand their businesses into the Solar System and beyond. It is a little known fact that the world market for futons and strangely shaped lamps reached saturation point during 2002 and, since then, Ikea have been working with the European Space Agency to develop probes that can seek out environments where meatballs and lingonberry juice are valued commodities..
Other retailers are keen to catch up and, in order to do that, they obviously require a wealth of forward thinking, retail space stategists who know their New Looks from their Neutron Stars. The job description asked for "at least two years use of space planning software" but I figured being considered for a NASA position might just help me overcome such small problems...
The only bit about the job that really concerned me was this section:
"Due to the external contact the position will have with retail customers, you’ll often be required to use a company vehicle to make on site visits – to this end it’s important that you have a UK drivers licence."
Now, firstly - just who are these retail customers? Aside from a couple of people orbiting Earth on the International Space Station, there's no one up there - or is there? Just what exactly aren't we being told? Perhaps the conspiracy theorists who would have us believe aliens crashlanded in Roswell in 1947 and have been in contact with Earthly governments ever since are right! Not only that but they are clearly hankering for a quality fitted bathroom from MFI...
But that doesn't worry me so much as the fact that I'll be expected to transport myself and that, to pilot an interstellar starship, you only need a UK driver's license...
I did touch upon my concerns in the section of the application that allowed for additional comments:
I think I would be well suited to this role as I have been interested in space strategy for a number of years and have spent considerable time studying the subject. I am very personable and would be delighted to take part in contacts - or indeed first contacts - with potential retail customers. I possess a full clean driving license but was slightly concerned about the nature of transport - would we have to supply our own transport or would the company provide this and, if so, would this be fully insured or would I need to provide insurance. It's just this, obviously, is a serious financial aspect of the equation.
Hopefully, we'll get the few concerns ironed out and, before too long, I will be boldly going where no man has gone before...to set up a branch of Aldi on Uranus...
With more and more of the world either developed or in development, it came as little surprise to me to find out that retailers are actively considering how best to reach out and expand their businesses into the Solar System and beyond. It is a little known fact that the world market for futons and strangely shaped lamps reached saturation point during 2002 and, since then, Ikea have been working with the European Space Agency to develop probes that can seek out environments where meatballs and lingonberry juice are valued commodities..
Other retailers are keen to catch up and, in order to do that, they obviously require a wealth of forward thinking, retail space stategists who know their New Looks from their Neutron Stars. The job description asked for "at least two years use of space planning software" but I figured being considered for a NASA position might just help me overcome such small problems...
The only bit about the job that really concerned me was this section:
"Due to the external contact the position will have with retail customers, you’ll often be required to use a company vehicle to make on site visits – to this end it’s important that you have a UK drivers licence."
Now, firstly - just who are these retail customers? Aside from a couple of people orbiting Earth on the International Space Station, there's no one up there - or is there? Just what exactly aren't we being told? Perhaps the conspiracy theorists who would have us believe aliens crashlanded in Roswell in 1947 and have been in contact with Earthly governments ever since are right! Not only that but they are clearly hankering for a quality fitted bathroom from MFI...
But that doesn't worry me so much as the fact that I'll be expected to transport myself and that, to pilot an interstellar starship, you only need a UK driver's license...
I did touch upon my concerns in the section of the application that allowed for additional comments:
I think I would be well suited to this role as I have been interested in space strategy for a number of years and have spent considerable time studying the subject. I am very personable and would be delighted to take part in contacts - or indeed first contacts - with potential retail customers. I possess a full clean driving license but was slightly concerned about the nature of transport - would we have to supply our own transport or would the company provide this and, if so, would this be fully insured or would I need to provide insurance. It's just this, obviously, is a serious financial aspect of the equation.
Hopefully, we'll get the few concerns ironed out and, before too long, I will be boldly going where no man has gone before...to set up a branch of Aldi on Uranus...
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Job No. 38 - Poultry Advisor
Today, I had a most excellent job suggestion emailed to me from Gem - Alcohol Practitioner in Hull...
I have to admit to being sorely tempted - the job asked for "well-motivated, clear thinking, flexible people with sound judgement" (although I must assume that this description only applies prior to imbibing work-related alcohol...) which I think perfectly describes me. There would be "some evening work" required (which is perfectly understandable I think) and on-going training is available (in case you're a bit of a lightweight to begin with...).
However, reading between the lines, it seemed that they were looking for a higher calibre drinker - leading me to believe perhaps an Oliver Reed would be more suited than an Oliver Davies - as they mentioned the ideal candidate will ideally hold "a professional qualification". Therefore, I decided the only option was to work towards the job - getting in some voluntary work in the pubs and clubs of Teesside and applying when I had a larger body of experience (or, after all that beer, possibly just a larger body). Being so impressed by the job I wrote to tell them of my decision:
Dear Steve
I saw the position of Alcohol Practitioner advertised on the Fish4Jobs website and was very interested in the vacancy but felt I wasn't quite experienced enough yet to apply. I intend to put in a serious amount of voluntary work over the next few months so that I am better positioned to join the team and, hopefully, I can contact you then and discuss my options...
Regards
Oliver.
So, with Alcohol Practitioning put to one side for now, I moved onto a random search of the job pages where I found myself an exciting opportunity - Poultry Advisor.
This sounds to me quite a relaxed job as I can't imagine that average chicken or turkey requires a great deal of advice - perhaps they might want to know which type of grain is best to eat if they want to avoid cellulite, or whether the trend this summer is for long feathers or short feathers - leaving me plenty of time to relax, put my feet up and perhaps read a book or two...
In my application letter, I had to make sure I sounded very capable, enthusiastic and the sort of person who takes poultry advising very seriously:
Dear Sir
I wish to apply for the position of Poultry Advisor and have attached my CV for your consideration.
I believe that all livestock, especially poultry, deserves due representation and I find it encouraging that, in Vietnam, such issues are taken so seriously.
I am willing to offer advice on a range of poultry-related issues and believe that I could lend a sympathetic ear to any problems that might arise. I look forward to hearing from you soon...
Regards
Oliver.
Hopefully I will have impressed them with my compassionate nature...
Although, of course, the principal piece of advice I shall be giving the poultry once we reach December is to run as fast as their little legs can carry them...
I have to admit to being sorely tempted - the job asked for "well-motivated, clear thinking, flexible people with sound judgement" (although I must assume that this description only applies prior to imbibing work-related alcohol...) which I think perfectly describes me. There would be "some evening work" required (which is perfectly understandable I think) and on-going training is available (in case you're a bit of a lightweight to begin with...).
However, reading between the lines, it seemed that they were looking for a higher calibre drinker - leading me to believe perhaps an Oliver Reed would be more suited than an Oliver Davies - as they mentioned the ideal candidate will ideally hold "a professional qualification". Therefore, I decided the only option was to work towards the job - getting in some voluntary work in the pubs and clubs of Teesside and applying when I had a larger body of experience (or, after all that beer, possibly just a larger body). Being so impressed by the job I wrote to tell them of my decision:
Dear Steve
I saw the position of Alcohol Practitioner advertised on the Fish4Jobs website and was very interested in the vacancy but felt I wasn't quite experienced enough yet to apply. I intend to put in a serious amount of voluntary work over the next few months so that I am better positioned to join the team and, hopefully, I can contact you then and discuss my options...
Regards
Oliver.
So, with Alcohol Practitioning put to one side for now, I moved onto a random search of the job pages where I found myself an exciting opportunity - Poultry Advisor.
This sounds to me quite a relaxed job as I can't imagine that average chicken or turkey requires a great deal of advice - perhaps they might want to know which type of grain is best to eat if they want to avoid cellulite, or whether the trend this summer is for long feathers or short feathers - leaving me plenty of time to relax, put my feet up and perhaps read a book or two...
In my application letter, I had to make sure I sounded very capable, enthusiastic and the sort of person who takes poultry advising very seriously:
Dear Sir
I wish to apply for the position of Poultry Advisor and have attached my CV for your consideration.
I believe that all livestock, especially poultry, deserves due representation and I find it encouraging that, in Vietnam, such issues are taken so seriously.
I am willing to offer advice on a range of poultry-related issues and believe that I could lend a sympathetic ear to any problems that might arise. I look forward to hearing from you soon...
Regards
Oliver.
Hopefully I will have impressed them with my compassionate nature...
Although, of course, the principal piece of advice I shall be giving the poultry once we reach December is to run as fast as their little legs can carry them...
Monday, October 09, 2006
Job No. 37 - Experienced Sock Designer
Today, while looking through the New York Times job pages I found another design job that would surely allow me to exploit the body of skills I have developed during my twelve years in the video game industry - Experienced Sock Designer.
They asked for the candidates to have ten years of design experience in the hosiery industry. Well, if you replace the word 'hosiery' with 'game' then I can answer truthfully that, yes, I do have ten years of design experience. So that's exactly what I did...
Now, some of you may feel that the sock world is a rather easy place to practise one's designing - since socks all seem to look pretty much the same - but you'd be surprised just how radically different individual socks can be. No, far from being the dull business you might imagine, the world of sock design is an incredibly exciting world of hydrophilic and hydrophobic fibres, of thermal insulation and lateral shear forces...
I feel that sock design would be a step in the right direction for me - if I can just get a foot in the door, I'm sure I can achieve great things. Therefore, I knew that my application would need to be both highly original and tremendously impressive - and a covering letter wasn't going to be enough to do that. I needed to put some work in to show them that I meant business; I needed to show them that I had the cajones to turn the world of sock design upside down; I needed...
...smart-sock
Designed as an answer to the three most pressing problems in modern sock design, smart-sock is my design for a true, 21st century sock and I supplied the company not only with an artistic mock-up of smart-sock but also the following, comprehensive, technical overview of the proposed product:
They asked for the candidates to have ten years of design experience in the hosiery industry. Well, if you replace the word 'hosiery' with 'game' then I can answer truthfully that, yes, I do have ten years of design experience. So that's exactly what I did...
Now, some of you may feel that the sock world is a rather easy place to practise one's designing - since socks all seem to look pretty much the same - but you'd be surprised just how radically different individual socks can be. No, far from being the dull business you might imagine, the world of sock design is an incredibly exciting world of hydrophilic and hydrophobic fibres, of thermal insulation and lateral shear forces...
I feel that sock design would be a step in the right direction for me - if I can just get a foot in the door, I'm sure I can achieve great things. Therefore, I knew that my application would need to be both highly original and tremendously impressive - and a covering letter wasn't going to be enough to do that. I needed to put some work in to show them that I meant business; I needed to show them that I had the cajones to turn the world of sock design upside down; I needed...
...smart-sock
Designed as an answer to the three most pressing problems in modern sock design, smart-sock is my design for a true, 21st century sock and I supplied the company not only with an artistic mock-up of smart-sock but also the following, comprehensive, technical overview of the proposed product:
Smart-Sock™
Material Properties
The current generation of socks are generally constructed from cotton, wool, nylon or polypropylene. While this has been acceptable throughout the 20th century, the modern sock consumer is more demanding and wants a sock that won’t wear out after a day at the office, or won’t develop a hole while playing sport. Consequently, I would propose the construction of socks from Nextel ceramic fabric.
Electronics
The modern consumer expects innovation and electronic components in their everyday items and smart-sock™ delivers on every front, featuring three, fully water resistant, systems:
1) Active GPS Tracking. No more will consumers lose their socks – installed in the heel of each sock is a micro-GPS tracking device that, when linked to the consumer’s home PC, allows them to instantly determine the location of any sock they own to within a three metre radius globally.
2) Sweat Monitor. The average foot contains over 250,000 sweat glands and there is little more disconcerting than the smell of overripe socks. Smart-sock™ solves this problem by monitoring in real-time the overall levels of sweat within the sock fabric; if they reach dangerous levels they will sound;
3) Dual Tone Alarm. The dual tone alarm has two sounds – a standard tone (which warns the consumer that there sock is passing sweat threshold levels) and a semitone higher pitch that can be activated if the consumer utilises their ‘lost sock GPS protocol’ – this will assist the consumer in being able to locate their sock more easily
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