Day 1 - Death On Two Legs

“Mr. President,” said General Renfield, his voice ever so slightly strained, “we really need you to make a decision on this.”

President Douglas Moore ignored him, and continued to stare in silence at the array of screens, at the swathes of data and maps laid before him, and felt a singular bead of sweat begin to trickle slowly down his left temple. His very first week in office and he’d walked into the biggest crisis the USA had faced since Cuba in ‘62. The fate of the country rested on the decision he would reach in the next few minutes. He turned to look at the faces at the table, all staring at him expectantly, waiting for him to tell them what to do.

“And we’re sure that it was the Chinese who were responsible for the cyberattack on our infrastructure?” he asked.

“90% certainty, sir,” said Eveline Chambers, Director of National Intelligence.

“90% certainty, Eveline?” said Arthur Ellis, Secretary of State, twisting in his chair so that he faced her, “Which means that there is a 10% chance that you’re intelligence is completely wrong. What if all this is just a coincidence?”

“That’s 90% certainty, plus we have unexpectedly lost contact with one of our satellites, a satellite that just so happens to be the one we should have over China right now Mr. Secretary” replied Chambers dispassionately, “Mr. President, China has just delivered a devastating attack on our infrastructure from coast-to-coast and now they’ve blinded us.”

“But these could be two unconnected things, isn’t that right?” continued Ellis.

“They could be,” said Chambers, her green eyes boring into the Secretary of State, “Or China could be fuelling its missiles right now and prepping them for launch. We know they’ve been conducting full trials on the new DF-35A hypersonic missile in the last year, this could be their play.”

“Our belief Mr. President,” said Renfield, “is that China is going to use this as an opportunity to conduct a pre-emptive attack on the Seventh fleet and our base in Okinawa. If that happens, thousands of Americans, and hundreds of thousands of Japanese, will die and we’ll effectively be removed as a power in the East Pacific.”

President Moore gripped the sides of his desk until his knuckles were white. Hundreds of thousands of deaths, on his watch. How had he ended up in this position? He found that he couldn’t even remember his election campaign, couldn’t remember the inauguration; all he had was this moment in which the whole nation depended upon him.

“We have a full range of responses available, sir.” said Renfield, “as I stated, we believe a limited nuclear strike of key Chinese military targets and bases will result in a positive outcome for us.”

“A positive outcome?” said Ellis, “how in the hell do we spin millions of dead Chinese as a positive outcome, General?”

President Moore ignored them, tuned out their voices, and sought guidance from his conscience. Could he give the order which would start a nuclear conflict and kill millions? On one hand, the thought troubled him; on the other, he remembered the words of the Bible his father had taught him.

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” he whispered the words, barely loud enough for anyone to hear.

“Mr. President?” asked Chambers.

“Jeremiah 29:11,” replied President Moore, “Those were words my father told me to live by. Trust in God, he said, trust that God has a plan.”

“With all due respect, sir” said Ellis, “I hardly think that this is the time to be quoting scripture. If we make the wrong decision here today, we run the risk of throwing this country into World War 3…”

“I don’t think you’re hearing what I’m saying Arthur,” said President Moore, “we are all God’s children, we are all part of God’s plan. The decision I make today is part of that plan, don’t you see? If it is to be that World War 3 starts today because of our actions then that is because God has decreed that it must happen that way. It will be for a greater good.”

“I have to call a vote of no confidence,” said Ellis, pushing his chair back and standing up. “Think what you are suggesting here, Douglas.”

“I know what I am doing,” said the President, suddenly seized with a certainty of his actions, “I have never been more certain of anything in my life. And you will do well to remember to refer to me as Mr. President, Arthur.”

“Are you all just going to let him do this?” pleaded Ellis, looking in turn to each of the members of the National Security Council, none of whom would meet his gaze. “This is insanity!”

“Get him out of here,” ordered Moore, and two secret service agents approached Ellis from behind, roughly taking him by his arms and half dragging him out of the command centre. The heavy doors shut behind them, leaving the room in silence.

“Do I have permission to begin the limited strike?” asked General Renfield.

“No,” said the President, staring off into the middle distance, “you do not, General Renfield.”

“Sir?”

“I want a comprehensive strike on every Chinese military target.”

“We have an option for that sir, but the collateral damage is going to be extensive.”

“It’s alright,” beamed the President, “God knows what is best for us; he has put me here today to enact his plan. We only have to put our trust in him. Prepare our forces.”

He motioned to the secret service agent beside him and a black suitcase was laid out on the table in front of him. He held his palm against the sensor on its lid until the case clicked softly open and then passed it back to the agent, who opened a laptop that was inside. President Moore then reached inside his jacket pocket and removed a credit-card sized piece of plastic which he then esnapped in two with his hands.

“Gold code; Alpha, Lima, Three, Zero, Five, Bravo, Eight, Zero, Four, Three.”

“Authorisation confirmed, sir.” said the agent at the laptop, “I now need confirmation from the Secretary of Defence.”

All eyes turned to Miranda Mayhew, seated at the far end of the desk. She had stayed silent throughout the discussions and now was deathly pale, her gaze fixed resolutely on the papers that were spread out on the desk in front of her.

“Miranda,” prompted the President.

“I don’t know whether we should do this, Mr. President,” she said, her voice trembling. “We are authorising the deaths of tens of millions of people.”

“I want you to remember the Bible, Miranda. Remember Isaiah where it is written: Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, “Be strong; fear not! Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and save you.”

“I’m afraid,” sobbed Miranda.

“Give me the code,” said the President firmly. “Give me the goddamn code, Miranda.”

She took the card from her pocket, eyes welling up with tears and broke it in two, reading out the digits and numerals with a voice so small it was hard to hear.

“Gold Code: Tango, Alpha, Seven, Six, One, Zulu, Nine, Nine, Three, Five.”

“Authorisation confirmed. Nuclear codes have been accepted.”

“Are we ready to launch?” asked the President.

“On your command,” said General Renfield grimly, “we have missile boats throughout the Pacific, B2 bombers in the air and our silos are fully prepped.”

President Moore steepled his fingers and looked up to the ceiling, imagining the plumes of fire that would soon be rising from the sea and from the land, of the destruction that lay ahead. He took comfort from his faith, certain that God would not have led him wrong in this moment.

“Fire.”


*   *   *   *


“Senator Moore?” The voice was distant to begin with but grew louder. “Senator Moore?”

He blinked, disorientated by the sudden bright lights. He was lying down looking straight up at the lights and a man in a white coat was looming over him, detaching some kind of wires from his temples. Where in the hell was he? What had happened to his orders?

“Sir, it’s natural to be a little confused at this time,” said the man, “You’ve just undergone a fully immersive experience.”

He tried to make sense of the words, his memory was foggy, his mind sluggish.

“Senator Moore,” a different voice this time, coming from his left and he tilted his head to see Arthur Ellis, Secretary of State standing beside him.

“What happened?” he croaked, his throat rough and dry.

“You just underwent the Presidential Suitability test, Douglas” said Ellis, a pained expression on his face.

“How did I do?”

“You failed Douglas,” said Ellis. “You failed, thank God.”

Short Story Challenge - Song Guide

So, with just one week to go until my Short Story Challenge, I decided to write up a little on each of the tracks to explain why I picked these particular albums...

1. Death on Two Legs
Growing up, there was a row of vinyl LPs that sat, neatly stacked, between the book shelf (which also held the black and white TV) and a short brick cube upon which the record player was positioned. It was an eclectic collection of music spanning a couple of decades and, as a child, I'd often listen to them. A Night at The Opera is considered by many to be Queen's definitive album but, for me, it was just the first Queen album I ever heard and its wide range of styles are possibly responsible for the fact that my own musical tastes are fairly broad. I listened to this album an awful lot...

2. What Is and What Should Never Be
If Queen served to ignite my love for music in a plethora of shapes and forms, then Led Zeppelin surely ignited what has become a lifelong love for the guitar. Among that same row of vinyl LPs, was the Led Zeppelin II album and I am not ashamed to say that, by repeated listening to tracks such as Heartbreaker, I became a highly proficient air guitarist at a very early age. While the UK charts may have been home to acts like Buck's Fizz and Abba, this was an era where I discovered the joys of amplified guitars...

3. The Carpet Crawlers
At the age of ten or eleven, I went through a huge Genesis phase. My dad had been (indeed still is) a fan of Genesis and I remember that the one album I listened to more than any other was The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway, which was an epic double LP of progressive rock filled with all manner of strange music and even stranger lyrics. My music tastes at this point were, frankly, about as far out of sync with my peers as they had any right to be but I didn't care - in this era of Genesis there was a complexity of construction and rhythm that I found infinitely more appealing than Culture Club and Duran Duran...

4. Call on Me
This album, Straight Shooter. hailed from a similar era in my musical development as the first three on this list and I thought Paul Rodger's voice was just brilliant - I would sing along to the album when there was no one else home. And probably a few times when there were people home. Truth be told, I've sung along to a few of these tracks more recently as well as I'm still of the opinion that Paul Rodgers has a great voice for classic rock...

5. Perfect Strangers
Perfect Strangers was, as far as I can remember, the first album I ever bought for myself. I can still remember heading to WH Smith, armed with a voucher that I'd received for my birthday, and wandering around the aisles looking for something interesting to buy. I'd had a chance to listen to the Deep Purple in Rock album at the house of a friend of the family and knew that I wanted to own some Deep Purple myself. This was their new album and, while maybe it wasn't one of their classics, I played the cassette tape on the little black cassette recorder I owned until the print wore off the plastic...

6. Social Disease
I still remember when Bon Jovi's Slippery When Wet album hit and, suddenly, guitars and guitar solos were cool again and my musical tastes - which had been considerably different from that of my friends up until this point - suddenly were aligned with those of my peers. For a while at least. This became another album I sung along to quite a bit and I dreamed of being able to play like Richie Sambora, who seemed to my teenage ears, to be an utter Guitar God...

7. The Animals and Me
I remember, by the time I got to 14 or 15, I'd become friends with a completely different bunch of people from High School and this saw me introduced to 'alternative rock' in the shape of bands like Pixies, The Cult, Ned's Atomic Dustbin, and The Wonder Stuff. I had a copy of The Eight Legged Groove Machine on one side of a C90 tape and, for a couple of teenage months, it was the most listened to cassette in my collection.

8. Your Emotions
Delving into alternative rock led me to discover a whole range of other bands that I'd not been aware of before and also into hardcore punk where I discovered the Dead Kennedys; music that was loud, relentless and with vitriolic lyrics. It was a combination that fitted perfectly alongside 15 year old me and I bought the Fresh Fruit for Rotting Vegetables LP (as well as others) and played them at volume...

9. Mystery Train
By the time I was 16, I was beginning to grow tired with alternative rock and found myself going back to listen to older classic rock and early metal; one album that I stumbled across (and I'm still not quite sure where it came from - possibly from a family friend that loaned it to us) was UFO's No Place to Run and the air guitarist in me enjoyed the wealth of guitar solos - with the hard rock version of Mystery Train being a favourite to 'play along' to...

10. The Riddle
I still remember the first time I heard Steve Vai. It was in an Art Class and I was listening to that UFO album I just mentioned and one of my class mates - Jon Dimmock - told me that if I wanted to hear fast guitar I should have a listen to this and played me the solo from Fool For Your Lovin' from Whitesnake's Slip of the Tongue album on his walkman. Steve Vai blew me away. And the heavy metal magazines of the time were full of the news that he was about to launch an instrumental album, so I bought it as soon as it came out. Passion and Warfare changed everything. It redefined my expectations for what was possible on guitar and persuaded me that listening to guitar just wasn't enough - I needed to learn how to play guitar...

11. Walking By Myself
School was over, it was the summer holidays prior to my starting college, and I'd taken on a part-time job at the DIY store, B&Q - which meant, for the first time ever I had money. Money! More money than I had ever had in my life. So, I did what any 16 year old boy would do, I blew my wage instantly every month as soon as I got it. The first month, I imported a Sega Megadrive from Japan, and the second month I got myself my very own CD player. And the first CD I bought was Gary Moore's Still Got The Blues...

12. Judgement Day
I'd heard one track from the Slip of the Tongue album earlier in the year, but my Whitesnake phase was really kickstarted on 18th August, 1990 when I went along to the Monsters of Rock festival at Castle Donington. This was my first real concert and it was one attended by between 75,000 and 100,000 people. My mind was blown. So I bought the album and would do my best David Coverdale impression when no one was around (or when I thought no one was around, at least). A special mention must be made for the truly horrendous level of innuendo on this album - it's up there with Spinal Tap in places!

13. Red House
I was slightly unusual in that I had heard Steve Vai before I heard Jimi Hendrix and the first CD I got was Jimi Hendrix Concerts which featured Jimi at his pyrotechnic best. It was rawer and less technical than the likes of Steve Vai, but there was a kind of power in that rawness and in among the fuzz tone and the divebombs. I'd listened to a lot of Gary Moore, that was obviously blues, but this album was the starting point for me diving into blues much more and led me to discover people like Muddy Waters, Buddy Guy, BB King, and more...

14. Fuel to Run
I remember getting this EP, Love/Hate - Live EP, free with an issue of Kerrang! magazine and I just loved how raw it was. Quite simple stuff, but there was such an energy to the band. Even if, in retrospect, they had more than their fair share of questionable lyrics...

15. Phantom Lord
I still remember the visceral shock of hearing Metallica's album Kill 'Em All for the first time - this was metal at a 1000mph; an unrelenting aural attack with crushing power chords and ripsaw lead guitar. I remember going on a coach tour of California in April 1991 and listening to this almost non-stop throughout the two and a half weeks.

16. The Phone Call
I'd been introduced to Joe Satriani due to the fact that he taught Steve Vai how to play guitar, and listened to his Surfing with the Alien album, but I found that I enjoyed his Flying in a Blue Dream album more (which may put me in the minority). His music was a lot more accessible than that of Steve Vai, who had such complicated arrangements and melodies, and the lead guitar often seemed to just take the part of the lead vocal. At this stage of my life, I dreamed of being able to play this kind of space-age guitar (although this particular track is pretty much the antithesis of that!)...

17. Voodoo Kiss
I have my sister Lora to thank for introducing me to Mr. Big and the album Lean Into It, although I didn't realise at the time that I'd already listened to both Paul Gilbert's previous band (Racer X) and that of Billy Sheehan (Dave Lee Roth). Mr. Big ticked a lot of boxes for me - great rock voice (check!), songs to sing along to (check!), and plenty of instrumental virtuosity (check!).

18. Give it Away
I remember borrowing a copy of Blood Sugar Sex Magik from a friend (who actually, if I remember rightly, also introduced me to Joe Satriani) and just loving the funky rhythms, the playfulness, and the underlying humour of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. It was something quite different to everything else I was listening to at the time...

19. Up in the Sky
I have Philip Dunne from Rare to thank for introducing me to Oasis. When we are at Rare, we used to take turns to play our CDs in the office and, one evening, he popped on Definitely Maybe and I was taken - much like I had years earlier by Love/Hate - by the band's raw energy. There was something special in that first album, like catching lighting in a bottle, but - for me at least - the band got less and less interesting as they become more and more over produced. But, this first album was listened to a lot...

20. Wake Up
I'm guessing it was also at Rare that I first heard Rage Against The Machine. Wow. Just like Dead Kennedys had amazed me with the power of their message, this album was just an attack on the status quo wrapped up in a far more sophisticated blend of musicianship. Blending together elements such as Beastie Boys (whose License to Ill album, in retrospect, should have been on this list!) with complex metal riffs and guitar virtuoso solos, this album saw many late night plays as I debugged our game.

21. Dirty Pool
I bought the Texas Flood album towards the end of my time at Rare, and Stevie Ray Vaughan rapidly became the biggest single influence on my guitar playing. There was just a majesty in his playing, a combination of tone and technique and fire that I'd never come across before; it was like he played constantly on the edge and yet nailed it every time. I cannot tell you how many times I've listened to this, headphones on and eyes closed, just enjoying the sound of one of the finest blues guitarists of all time...

22. Dr. Glee
I'd heard about Richie Kotzen years ago from my guitar teacher, Des Sherwood, but never really listened to any of his stuff before running across a copy of Electric Joy in a record shop. He had great legato technique and his playing had this organic feel, but never ended up being predictable. Later, I'd find out that not only was he a superlative guitar player but he was also in possession of a fabulous rock voice. The git.

23. Guardian Angel
I was working at Sony Computer Entertainment and, one of the perks of the job was buying CDs at a reduced price. I remember going through the catalogue and picking out about thirty different albums - with one of these being an acoustic album I'd remembered hearing about somewhere called Friday Night in San Francisco that featured an acoustic guitar trio of Al Di Meola, John McLaughlin, and Paco de Lucia. It was a mix of jazz, flamenco and fusion and was - and still is - just a masterclass of acoustic guitar playing.

24. Solution
Another job move, this time to Acclaim, that - for several months, before relocating - involved a 210 mile drive on a Monday morning and on a Friday afternoon. Particularly on a Monday, leaving at 5am in the morning, I depended upon a good selection of music to keep me going (and awake). I'd been a fan of Tesla for some time and listened to this, their final album (until they later reformed) on repeat for hours on end.

25. Bad Meets Evil
Another album from my driving period; I remember hearing Eminem on a late-night radio show one Friday when I was driving back and loved the quirky style of his rapping, that was so different to the work of more traditional artists. I bought the Slim Shady LP and - at one point - knew pretty much the whole album back-to-front...

26. Anxiety
I came across the Elephunk album thanks to my wife, Anna; her students were doing a cover performance of the song 'Let's Get It Started' and that got me listening to the album. I remember a series of six hour long drives to and from the airport when my wife was still living in Moscow in which this album was played fairly constantly. It was a fun album; the sound of a band enjoying themselves and not taking themselves too seriously (although, this wasn't to last!) and it is always an album that will have positive memories for me. This was the toughest track to actually find a link to...

27. Girls Who Can Read Your Mind
I had been listening to Paul Gilbert in bands like Racer X and Mr. Big for many years but Beehive Live was the first solo album I'd bought and this was just a perfect introduction to his solo material. Quirky, humorous, and possessing truly monstrous technique, Paul Gilbert was another big influence on my own guitar playing (even if that is more in spirit than ability!)...

28. Dirt in my Pocket
I'd be listening to a lot of blues, by people like Matt Schofield and Robben Ford, and really enjoying it - but I'd not come across anyone who really blew me away for a long time. And then I came across Joe Bonamassa. Possessing a style that echoes that of Eric Johnson in places, he was just a breath of fresh air and I particularly enjoyed his Sloe Gin album. Provided another influence on my playing and got me excited about the blues all over again...

29. Uncle Skunk
I'd being aware of Guthrie Govan for years as he wrote articles for Guitar Techniques magazine and I knew that he was an excellent guitarist. What I wasn't prepared for was just how excellent. Listening to his Erotic Cakes album made me reconsider the boundaries of electric guitar all over again - he could play things that seemed impossible but managed to wrap it all together into something melodic and musical. This wasn't shred, this was just superb musicianship...

30. Flatlands
The Aristocrats brings together three truly virtuoso performers in an environment where they can make the kind of music they want to make. I've enjoyed all three of their albums but their first album, The Aristocrats, occupied more time on my playlist than anything else when it came out.  This wasn't po-faced virtuoso prog-rock; this was the sound of people having fun and enjoying their sheer command of their instruments. Listening to it always induces a strange combination of smiling and jaw dropping simultaneously...

November Short Story Writing Challenge

November is, as many writers will know, the National Novel Writing Month - a time when thousands of writers attempt to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, at least) and create a fully fledged novel in the space of only thirty short days.

But, in amongst this explosion of literary creativity, please spare a thought if you will for the humble short story. With all the hooplah of Nanowrimo, with novel writing front and centre and getting all of the attention and all of the fuss, who takes the time to give some consideration to the poor old short story? A medium that rarely gets anywhere near the kudos or the acclaim of its lengthier brethren, and yet a medium that has been the staple of great writers such as Bradbury, Asimov, Hemingway, Kipling, and Dick (to name but a few!).

So, I decided to create a writing challenge for November that would be all about the little guy, all about the underdog, all about creating reams of short stories to exercise the creative muscles in all manner of ways. Thirty days, thirty titles, thirty short stories.

Now, I'm not sure how many of those thirty stories I'll be able to complete. I think I'd be happy with a .500 batting average come December 1st and if I manage to create fifteen short stories, then I think I'll slap them all together into an ebook of some kind and let them loose on the old interweb.

The prompts themselves are musically derived. I decided to use the title of a track from thirty different albums that have meant something to me over the years. So, without further ado, here are the thirty prompts.Use as many of them as you like:

1. Death On Two Legs
2. What Is and What Should Never Be
3. The Carpet Crawlers
4. Call on Me
5. Perfect Strangers
6. Social Disease
7. The Animals and Me
8. Your Emotions
9. Mystery Train
10. The Riddle
11. Walking By Myself
12. Judgement Day
13. Red House
14. Fuel to Run
15. Phantom Lord
16. The Phone Call
17. Voodoo Kiss
18. Give It Away
19. Up in the Sky
20. Wake Up
21. Dirty Pool
22. Dr. Glee
23. Guardian Angel
24. Solution
25. Bad Meets Evil
26. Anxiety
27. Girls Who Can Read Your Mind
28. Dirt in my Pocket
29. Uncle Skunk
30. Flatlands


If you fancy joining in, please do. In fact, I'd love to read the stories you come up with in response to the thirty prompts that are listed above; I'm certain that your brain will take them in an altogether different direction than mine might suggest to me. Alternatively, feel free to make your own thirty day list from thirty songs titles from thirty albums that meant something to you!

Is the sun beginning to set on Liverpool FC?

Sunset over Anfield (c) Ruaraidh Gillies

Today marks exactly ten years since one of the most memorable Champions League finals of all time. But that night currently seems a long way away and the chances of seeing Liverpool in a Champions League final seem to be even further away. With the utter disarray of this season, questions need to be asked about where Liverpool goes from here...

On May 25th, 2005, after having been 3-0 down to AC Milan at half time, Liverpool somehow managed to draw level with their Italian counterparts in six crazy second-half minutes and then hung on through extra-time to win a penalty shoot-out that left AC Milan shattered and Liverpool exultant...

As a Liverpool fan I remember the night well; the abject misery of the first half when no amount of alcohol could take the edge off the pain of watching my beloved Reds being ruthlessly disassembled and dissected by a clinical Milan side. And I remember the roars of joy as first Gerrard, then Smicer, then Alonso put us right back in the mix; roars dwarfed by the one I made when Dudek dived to save Shevchenko's penalty and won the match for us. And that swell of pride in my chest when we lofted the cup and the feeling that, surely, this was the start of big things for us. A chance for the club to regain its place among the elite.

And the next few years hinted at that promise; an FA Cup win, another Champions League final against AC Milan (with a different conclusion) and in 2008-2009 a second place finish in the Premier League. And then everything fell apart. The ownership of Gillet and Hicks didn't do us any favours and the Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez, eventually left 'by mutual consent' after a season in which we finished 7th. Things only got worse under Roy Hodgson and the appointment of Kenny Dalglish, while initially lifting the mood of Liverpool supporters, also turned out to be a poor choice as we lost touch with the Champions League places for the third year running.

Step forward Brendan Rogers, a young manager who had got Swansea playing an attractive style of football and who promised to bring Liverpool a new era, an era in which they would return to the style of football that had won them so much during the late 1970s and 1980s. The first season was disappointing, as we again missed out on the Champions League, but his second season saw us challenging for the title until the very last day of the season when we finished second to a powerful Man City team.

Luis Suarez - hugely missed

However, there were nagging doubts over how much of that success was due to Roger's management and tactical skills and how much of it was due to the mercurial talents of Luis Suarez who ended the season as the top goal scorer in the Premier League (31 goals in only 33 games) and joint-top of the assists chart (13 assists) alongside Steven Gerrard. Not to mention the luck of having Daniel Sturridge fit all season. In total, Suarez and Sturridge scored 52 league goals for Liverpool. Surely this was a team that could move on to challenge again in the following year, thought the fans. Surely if we could build upon this team, if we could use the funds from Champions League qualification (and take advantage of the higher calibre player the Champions League attracts), then we could build a team that would be challenging for honours both domestically and in Europe.

Which is, of course, where it all began to go spectacularly wrong...

First of all, Suarez departed after yet another biting controversy, this time at the World Cup, and fled to the welcoming arms of Barcelona - leaving us with somewhere in the region of £70 million but a gaping hole in our team. And this is where it got even worse.

You see, the brilliance of both Sturridge and Coutinho in the 2013-2014 Premier League campaign had meant that Brendan Rodgers' (and Liverpool FC's) general ineffectiveness within the transfer market had flown slightly under the radar. It's important to remember that between his arrival as manager, and the end of the 2013-2014 season, Rodgers had brought in 15 players; two on loan, one on a free and 11 for a combined transfer of about £95 million. Now, of those players only two were unreserved successes (Sturridge and Countinho), three were mediocre (Allen, Sakho, and Mignolet), while the remaining ten failed to deliver. Meaning two thirds of the signings made, and almost 40% of the transfer spend, were a complete waste. But the second place finish glossed over this worrying statistic.

And so, with Suarez gone, and promises from Rodgers that he wouldn't be missed (and that Liverpool wouldn't repeat the mistakes Spurs had made a year earlier after selling Gareth Bale), Rodgers embarked on a massive raid on the transfer market, spending almost £117 million on eight new players, plus a loan signing. Unfortunately, it turned out to be money wasted as we ended up repeating the same quantity over quality mistakes made by Spurs the season earlier.

Of the new players, only Emre Can looked to be a good signing (although he was played out of position in defence), while Lallana and Moreno had the odd good game, they failed to deliver on their price tags and the less said about the contributions of Lambert, Markovic, Lovren, and Balotelli the better!

And at the end of the 2014-2015 Premier League season we find ourselves in the exact same place as Spurs were in the previous season (6th), having managed to accrue seven points less. Brendan Rogers' quote at the end of last season when he said "Look at Tottenham. If you spend more than £100 million, you expect to be challenging for the league." is surely about to come back and haunt him.

But, even if Rodgers is given the boot (and after yesterday's worst loss in over 50 years to Stoke City, that surely must be a good bet), what next for Liverpool? We need to completely overhaul our strike force (with Lambert, Borini and Balotelli surely set to leave this summer), while our midfield looks woefully inadequate for challenging for anything more than mid-table honours. This is coupled with a defence that was totally exposed by a rampant Stoke City side and, in Mignolet, a goalkeeper who often exudes the sort of confidence only seen before at Anfield in Djimi Traore (I often think Brendan Rogers may have been right when he said "We play with 11 men, other teams play with 10 men and a goalkeeper"). In total, it gives you an idea of the mammoth rebuilding task that lies ahead at Liverpool FC.

It is difficult to imagine that we can attract a true world class manager in these circumstances. Our best player of the last decade has just left, our most promising player wants only to leave and with an exodus of the dross undoubtedly due to occur over the summer we are going to need to bring in at least two strikers, a couple of midfielders, a couple of defenders and probably a new goalkeeper. And with neither Champions League football, nor the vast wages clubs such as Man Utd and Man City can offer, it's difficult to see us being able to attract the calibre of players we desperately need.

Will FSG spend big to get us back in the mix? It's hard to believe. My bet would be that whoever is managing next year will get £30 million to play with plus anything earned from selling players (which, based on their performance this year, is unlikely to add more than £8.63!). And that will only be enough to keep us where we are, to give us a chance to battle for one of the Europa League places while the clubs above move only further ahead of us and cement their place in the top four.

This season offered a lot of hope, but that hope has been dashed. And without substantial investment and a fair bit of luck, Liverpool might have to get used to the fact that the sun has set on our time as a major force in English football.

Oliver's Eurovision 2015 Drinking Game

With just 27 short days to go until we put aside musical taste and all sense of decorum and plunge headlong into the world of musical madness otherwise known as the Eurovision Song Contest, I figured that it was about time that I updated the rules for 2015.

Now, last year's rules were pretty deadly thanks to the sheer quantity of moustaches, amateurish dancing, and pyrotechnics, but it would seem that some people still aren't satisfied with the extreme levels of alcohol consumption encouraged by these rules and, thus, I have raised the bar this year to ensure that no one makes it out of this alive sober. And so, without further ado, let me get on with things...

As with previous years, some of the rules are slightly UK-centric so, if you intend to play this in another country, just ignore rules 1 and 26 and knock back two shots before you get started for good measure. Or, watch it on BBC and pretend to be British for the night so you to can feel our pain.

Now, - as ever - I need to issue a word of warning; this game is based upon the consumption of strong alcohol. I cannot, therefore, be held responsible for your health (or lack of) if you stringently follow the rules of my game and drink yourself into oblivion. Play this game entirely at your own risk…

Requirements

1. A shot glass for every person playing (probably best to have a couple of spares in case people get overexcited).

2. The national drink of Austria is Schnapps which, frankly is a little sickly for my liking but, hey, at least it's more readily available than some of the previous year's national drinks. I would suggest that you feel free to play hard and loose with the rules in this respect and pick something suitably alcoholic and to your tastes...

Rules

The rules are really very simple. You take a sip of your chosen spirit if:

1) Any time the British entry, Electro Velvet - who have been referred to as one of the worst British entries in a long time (which, based on our track record is quite impressive)  - are mentioned. 

2) Any time Australia is mentioned. Now, for those of you who might be wondering why on Earth anyone would mention Australia during a Eurovision contest, then you've obviously not being paying attention to the fact that Australia have been given a guest entry this year to celebrate the 60th anniversary of Eurovision.

3) The host(s) attempts to sing.

4) The host(s) pretends to be surprised at something that's going on in what is clearly a vaguely-rehearsed piece of improvisation.

5) The host(s) loses track of their autocue or mess up their timing.

6) The video shown before an act contains shots of people in traditional Austrian folk costume. Drink a shot if anyone is doing a traditional Austrian folk dance. If you're unsure of what a traditional Austrian folk dance looks like then check out an example here. If you're too lazy to follow that link; don't worry you really haven't missed much - it looks like an overly complicated game of Simon Says, or Morris Dancing on speed (and without the handkerchiefs).

7) You see Austria's national animal - which is, rather unimaginatively an Eagle. Drink three shots if it’s a person dressed in an Eagle costume.

8) You are not entirely sure whether the singer is man who looks like a woman, or a woman who looks like a man. 

9) The singer is barefoot.

10) A country is represented by a singer from somewhere else in the world. Drink an entire shot if a country is represented by what seems to be a random person (or persons) scooped up off the streets and then pushed out on stage.

11) The act involves people on stage banging large drums or objects acting as large drums.

12) An item of clothing is removed on stage. Drink an entire shot if it is removed by someone else.

13) The act is bald. Drink an entire shot if they are also female.

14) The act possesses a large moustache.

15) The act is dressed in leather. Drink an entire shot if they are dressed in leather and have a large moustache.

16) If you hear a language used other than that of the nation who is singing (for example, English words in a song by Ukraine). One sip per language. If in any doubt, just take a sip.

17) You recognise the song immediately as being a blatant rip off of a previous winner of Eurovision.

18) The song is an ode to world peace. Drink three shots immediately if there are any children on stage at any time during the song.

19) There are dancers on stage who, by their movements and lack of synchronism, appear to have perhaps had three dance lessons as a child and have never heard the song before tonight. 

20) People are pretending to play instruments on stage. Drink an entire shot if they take a pretend solo.

21) Every time there's some kind of pyrotechnic on stage.

22) Every time someone employs the use of a wind machine.

23) If the act attempts to distract attention from the paucity of quality in their offering by getting some kind of celebrity on stage with them (for reference, see Germany in 2009 who employed the services of Dita von Teese to no effect whatsoever)

24) Every time there is an awkward silence and/or miscommunication between the hosts and the people reading out the votes. Drink an entire shot if the votes get mixed up.

25) Every time one of the people reading out the results of a country’s voting attempts to secure their 15 seconds of fame by babbling on incoherently and generally delaying things and winding a few hundred million people up.

26) Every time it’s "Royaume-Uni? Nil point!". Drink a shot each time, at the end of a voting round, the UK is in last place.

27) Every time a country gives top marks to someone for geographic, political or ethnic reasons.

27) If Australia win, drink a shot.

28) If there is any alcohol left once the show is finished and you’re physically capable of coordinating the movement of alcohol from the bottle to your mouth...take a sip!

At some point in the next four weeks I'll try and fashion a printable version like I did the in the last three years. Oh and I would suggest that, in order to maximise the chances that your rules survive the night's entertainment, you may want to think about laminating them! Have fun and please don't blame for the pain and misery you will have to endure...not to mention the hangover the day after!!