Last week's TFM interview is now available to listen to as an mp3 - but, I have to warn you that it's slightly unusual...
Ok, so normally what happens with my TFM interviews is that, about ten minutes before they ring me, I remind myself of the jobs I've applied for in the last week but, aside from that, I don't prepare any notes, I just improvise based upon what I'm asked. However, in the week prior to the interview, one of the jobs I'd applied for was Rap Writer and I was sure that Graham would ask me to tell him a few lines of my rap - so I figured I'd write a couple of lines down so I wouldn't sound stupid!
And, having done that, I thought to myself - why not make some short notes on each of the jobs? It sounded like a good idea at the time but, the end result was that I ended up babbling so much that poor Graham hardly got a word in on his own show (sorry Graham!). If you listen to the interview, you may get the impression that I complete most of it on only one breath!!
So, the bottom line is, I'm going to abandon any attempts at preparation and go back to my old haphazard approach! If you'd like to have a listen, you can do so here: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/tfminterview8.mp3
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Job No. 63 - Golf Course Ranger
I always enjoy it when I find a job that is clearly trying to dress itself up; a job with which the duties are obviously quite mundane and where the organisation has decided to make it look more important by simply giving it a particularly fancy title...
A case in point is a vacancy I found on The Times job website - New Openings Director for Premier Travel Inn - which can only be a doorman position that has been spray painted in gold and then had a couple of pretty pink ribbons attached. Admittedly, the salary is rather high for a doorman, but it is just another example of the way in which companies are making tedious jobs sound more attractive by giving them a trumped up name. Consequently, despite the £100k salary on offer, I decided to favour substance over style and instead hunt for a job in which I would be the owner of a job title entirely free of obfuscation...
Having enjoyed J.R.R Tolkien's Lord of the Rings considerably, I was nearly overwhelmed with joy when I saw a position that would enable me to join of the most elite groups mentioned within the book - Golf Course Ranger with the Hyatt Regency Hill Country Resort...
The Northern Rangers were one of the most secretive organisations in Middle Earth - led by Aragorn during the time of Lord of the Rings - and there is little available information on what happened to them after the fall of Sauron. However, it is now clear that at least some of their number have moved into the protection of golf courses in the Texas area.
Tom Bombadil had the following to say about Rangers:
"Few now remember them...yet still some go wandering, sons of forgotten Kings walking in loneliness, guarding from evil things folk that are heedless."
Now, having played a few rounds as a child on Sandwell Municipal Golf Course, I can assure you that the golf course can indeed be an environment in which heedless folks need guarding from evil things (in fact, I'm not entirely sure whether I may have been playing my round behind a couple of Orcs the last time I was there). In addition, I felt sure that being equipped with the Sword of Anduril would not only allow me to deal with any Balrogs I might encounter but, also, act as a clear deterrent to players who might otherwise take too long on their tee shots...
In my application, I wanted to let the Hyatt Regency Hill Country Resort know that I appreciated the gravity of the position being offered and that, despite only being paid $6.75 an hour, I would be honoured to bear the famous cloak of the Rangers; ever ready to prevent marauding hordes of Uruk-Hai from disturbing patrons on the greens:
Dear Sir/Madam
I wish to apply for the position of Golf Course Ranger and have attached my most recent resume for your consideration...
I appreciate the importance of the role and believe that I would be capable of upholding the fine and venerable traditions.
I believe guests at the golf course need to feel safe and secure within the environment and the Golf Course Ranger can help ensure that is the case so that guests can enjoy their experience without worrying about unnecessary interruptions to their play.
I would be proud to don the Golf Course Ranger uniform and do my utmost to guard both the courses and the heedless.
Regards
Oliver.
With my application sent, I now await my call to arms - ready to oppose the forces of evil and aid the vulnerable of Texas, both on the green and in the rough...
A case in point is a vacancy I found on The Times job website - New Openings Director for Premier Travel Inn - which can only be a doorman position that has been spray painted in gold and then had a couple of pretty pink ribbons attached. Admittedly, the salary is rather high for a doorman, but it is just another example of the way in which companies are making tedious jobs sound more attractive by giving them a trumped up name. Consequently, despite the £100k salary on offer, I decided to favour substance over style and instead hunt for a job in which I would be the owner of a job title entirely free of obfuscation...
Having enjoyed J.R.R Tolkien's Lord of the Rings considerably, I was nearly overwhelmed with joy when I saw a position that would enable me to join of the most elite groups mentioned within the book - Golf Course Ranger with the Hyatt Regency Hill Country Resort...
The Northern Rangers were one of the most secretive organisations in Middle Earth - led by Aragorn during the time of Lord of the Rings - and there is little available information on what happened to them after the fall of Sauron. However, it is now clear that at least some of their number have moved into the protection of golf courses in the Texas area.
Tom Bombadil had the following to say about Rangers:
"Few now remember them...yet still some go wandering, sons of forgotten Kings walking in loneliness, guarding from evil things folk that are heedless."
Now, having played a few rounds as a child on Sandwell Municipal Golf Course, I can assure you that the golf course can indeed be an environment in which heedless folks need guarding from evil things (in fact, I'm not entirely sure whether I may have been playing my round behind a couple of Orcs the last time I was there). In addition, I felt sure that being equipped with the Sword of Anduril would not only allow me to deal with any Balrogs I might encounter but, also, act as a clear deterrent to players who might otherwise take too long on their tee shots...
In my application, I wanted to let the Hyatt Regency Hill Country Resort know that I appreciated the gravity of the position being offered and that, despite only being paid $6.75 an hour, I would be honoured to bear the famous cloak of the Rangers; ever ready to prevent marauding hordes of Uruk-Hai from disturbing patrons on the greens:
Dear Sir/Madam
I wish to apply for the position of Golf Course Ranger and have attached my most recent resume for your consideration...
I appreciate the importance of the role and believe that I would be capable of upholding the fine and venerable traditions.
I believe guests at the golf course need to feel safe and secure within the environment and the Golf Course Ranger can help ensure that is the case so that guests can enjoy their experience without worrying about unnecessary interruptions to their play.
I would be proud to don the Golf Course Ranger uniform and do my utmost to guard both the courses and the heedless.
Regards
Oliver.
With my application sent, I now await my call to arms - ready to oppose the forces of evil and aid the vulnerable of Texas, both on the green and in the rough...
Friday, November 03, 2006
Job No. 62 - Community Archaeologist
Today I found a job on the Monster UK site which I felt was a remarkably good fit for me, considering my current financial situation - Debt Advisor.
Having managed to build up some quite severe debts over my time, I felt sure that I could be perfectly placed to dispense advice to other people looking to get into debt. My immediate recommendations would be to take out at least five credit cards (to maximise the amount of debt you can rack up before they all get put on hold) before then 'reconfiguring' your credit card debts into one composite, and rather handy, bank loan. It is at this point that mere amateurs would be thinking about throwing in the towel but, to a pro like me, this is just the time to start spending on all those credit cards again so that you establish a true mountain of debt...
And that's before we get onto the intermediary level debt advise (utilise as many of the 'buy now - pay next year' offers as you can to ensure your finances are massively crippled) and the true advanced techniques (in one final act of debt fuelled madness, get a loan from somewhere less than reputable and use this money for online gambling). I'm sure I could be a great help...
However, I decided not to apply as I was worried about the long-term future of the position. News reports today say that over 300 people a day are going bankrupt in the UK - so it would seem that plenty of people are capable of managing without professional advice...
Instead, I thought I would apply for a position that promised excitement, intrigue and adventure - Community Archaeologist for the Cardiff School of History and Archaeology...
I have very fond memories from my childhood of the first two Indiana Jones films and so leapt at the chance to don a battered fedora hat and to dig my bullwhip out of the loft. The position would be based in the Welsh village of Cosmeston - and, while it sounds like a sleepy little idyll, I'm sure (if they need an archaeologist) then they must be undertaking a project riddled with perils such as falling boulders, pits filled with spikes and strange cursed artefacts...
Opening the job application form I was shocked, and yet somewhat pleased, to see that the entire document featured a range of strange encoded text - which was obviously some kind of cryptic test for prospective candidates. For example, immediately after 'Application Form', was written "Ffurflen Gais" - and this pattern could be seen throughout the form; every set of words was mirrored by this intriguing code. I think it may possibly be some form of Ancient Sumerian sub-dialect...
I decided in my supporting statement to mention the code and to impress upon them my preparedness for the job (while cunningly trying to find out if the Nazis were in any way involved):
I have a deep love of history and archaeology and feel that I could bring a great deal to this position. Like yourselves, I also have more than a passing interest in Ancient Sumeria and the sub-dialects of the period...
I am physically fit - which I believe is essential - and can supply the majority of my own equipment and provisions (although there are a few items I don't currently possess and would hope to be able to obtain). I enjoy confronting problems and think it is important to portay archaeology in the correct light - too many people have read Dan Brown books and fail to realise what a serious world it can be.
It would be of considerable assistance to me if you could let me know the exact goals of the project at an early stage as I would like to begin research (in order to be prepared). It would also be helpful to know what resistance, if any, I am likely to face - it is my understanding there are some foreign parties with interests in this area.
I decided not to send them a picture of me in my fedora as I didn't want to get them too excited at this stage (I'll save it for the interview), but I'm certain that - in a few weeks time - I'll be in the Vale of Glamorgan; dangling over ravines, dodging poisoned arrows, saving endangered maidens and snatching priceless relics from beneath the noses of my rivals...
Having managed to build up some quite severe debts over my time, I felt sure that I could be perfectly placed to dispense advice to other people looking to get into debt. My immediate recommendations would be to take out at least five credit cards (to maximise the amount of debt you can rack up before they all get put on hold) before then 'reconfiguring' your credit card debts into one composite, and rather handy, bank loan. It is at this point that mere amateurs would be thinking about throwing in the towel but, to a pro like me, this is just the time to start spending on all those credit cards again so that you establish a true mountain of debt...
And that's before we get onto the intermediary level debt advise (utilise as many of the 'buy now - pay next year' offers as you can to ensure your finances are massively crippled) and the true advanced techniques (in one final act of debt fuelled madness, get a loan from somewhere less than reputable and use this money for online gambling). I'm sure I could be a great help...
However, I decided not to apply as I was worried about the long-term future of the position. News reports today say that over 300 people a day are going bankrupt in the UK - so it would seem that plenty of people are capable of managing without professional advice...
Instead, I thought I would apply for a position that promised excitement, intrigue and adventure - Community Archaeologist for the Cardiff School of History and Archaeology...
I have very fond memories from my childhood of the first two Indiana Jones films and so leapt at the chance to don a battered fedora hat and to dig my bullwhip out of the loft. The position would be based in the Welsh village of Cosmeston - and, while it sounds like a sleepy little idyll, I'm sure (if they need an archaeologist) then they must be undertaking a project riddled with perils such as falling boulders, pits filled with spikes and strange cursed artefacts...
Opening the job application form I was shocked, and yet somewhat pleased, to see that the entire document featured a range of strange encoded text - which was obviously some kind of cryptic test for prospective candidates. For example, immediately after 'Application Form', was written "Ffurflen Gais" - and this pattern could be seen throughout the form; every set of words was mirrored by this intriguing code. I think it may possibly be some form of Ancient Sumerian sub-dialect...
I decided in my supporting statement to mention the code and to impress upon them my preparedness for the job (while cunningly trying to find out if the Nazis were in any way involved):
I have a deep love of history and archaeology and feel that I could bring a great deal to this position. Like yourselves, I also have more than a passing interest in Ancient Sumeria and the sub-dialects of the period...
I am physically fit - which I believe is essential - and can supply the majority of my own equipment and provisions (although there are a few items I don't currently possess and would hope to be able to obtain). I enjoy confronting problems and think it is important to portay archaeology in the correct light - too many people have read Dan Brown books and fail to realise what a serious world it can be.
It would be of considerable assistance to me if you could let me know the exact goals of the project at an early stage as I would like to begin research (in order to be prepared). It would also be helpful to know what resistance, if any, I am likely to face - it is my understanding there are some foreign parties with interests in this area.
I decided not to send them a picture of me in my fedora as I didn't want to get them too excited at this stage (I'll save it for the interview), but I'm certain that - in a few weeks time - I'll be in the Vale of Glamorgan; dangling over ravines, dodging poisoned arrows, saving endangered maidens and snatching priceless relics from beneath the noses of my rivals...
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Job No. 61 - Pirate
Today, while looking through the various recruitment sites, I decided to explore a nautical theme as I discovered a vacancy for a Tugboat Mate with Moran Towing.
This sounded an interesting proposition as I was certain that it would be quite good fun to be employed to be friends with a tugboat. Having watched more than a few episodes of Theodore Tugboat (quite why, escapes me) I knew that tugboats could make excellent companions - after all, from what I've seen they tend to be cheerful, chirpy and extremely resourceful...
However, just as I was putting pen to paper (metaphorically, at least), I had a disturbing thought. What if, contrary to my expectations, Moran Towing were not looking for a mate, as in a friend, but a mate as in the biological sense? What if they were hoping I could assist them in breeding a flotilla of baby tugboats?
Since I wasn't sure that I could cope with the rigours and demands of nautical intercourse I cast my net far and wide to find something more suitable and, while trawling through Simply Hired, I found one particular staffing company kept on popping up on my radar - Pirate Staffing Employment Agency.
Pirate Staffing were looking for a wide variety of pirating positions; plumbers, labourers and warehouse assistants were all catered for; but I was hoping for something a bit more - well, how can I put this? - seafaring...
I assume that they don't advertise the really juicy vacancies on their website since the pirating business is very clique but figured that, if I was to impress them, I needed to show them my jib had the right cut and that I wasn't merely a land lubber. Which was a problem because, after a brief rummage in my wardrobe, I realised that I don't possess a single pirate outfit...
Luckily, the same skills that almost got me a job as a Photo Editor came into play - I grabbed some eyeliner and mascara, took a photo of myself and them spent ten minutes in Photoshop pasting my face onto Johnny Depp's (my sincere apologies to Mr. Depp and his many admirers - but this was an emergency) to create my own pirate portrait...
This, I stuck into the back of my CV, knowing that they would be suitable impressed when they found it. I then crafted an application letter that hinted at my interest in the more 'colourful' vacancies they weren't able to talk about on their website:
Dear Sir/Madam
I saw your company mentioned on the Simply Hired website and would be interested in utilising your services to find suitably gainful employment. I have attached my most recent resume with this email.
I am particularly interested in any specialist marine vacancies you might have; I was hoping that you might have some additional openings other than the ones you have listed on the 'Looking For Work' section of your website. After all, I understand that sometimes it isn't prudent to advertise every position you cater for...
I am hard working, loyal and not adverse to getting my hands dirty; I realise that times have changed somewhat in the employment market you cater for but I hope that you will recognise my skills and see fit to employ me in a position suiting my credentials and demeanour.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards
Oliver.
Hopefully, Pirate Staffing Employment Agency will recognise my inherent pirating potential and will soon be inviting me to climb aboard...
This sounded an interesting proposition as I was certain that it would be quite good fun to be employed to be friends with a tugboat. Having watched more than a few episodes of Theodore Tugboat (quite why, escapes me) I knew that tugboats could make excellent companions - after all, from what I've seen they tend to be cheerful, chirpy and extremely resourceful...
However, just as I was putting pen to paper (metaphorically, at least), I had a disturbing thought. What if, contrary to my expectations, Moran Towing were not looking for a mate, as in a friend, but a mate as in the biological sense? What if they were hoping I could assist them in breeding a flotilla of baby tugboats?
Since I wasn't sure that I could cope with the rigours and demands of nautical intercourse I cast my net far and wide to find something more suitable and, while trawling through Simply Hired, I found one particular staffing company kept on popping up on my radar - Pirate Staffing Employment Agency.
Pirate Staffing were looking for a wide variety of pirating positions; plumbers, labourers and warehouse assistants were all catered for; but I was hoping for something a bit more - well, how can I put this? - seafaring...
I assume that they don't advertise the really juicy vacancies on their website since the pirating business is very clique but figured that, if I was to impress them, I needed to show them my jib had the right cut and that I wasn't merely a land lubber. Which was a problem because, after a brief rummage in my wardrobe, I realised that I don't possess a single pirate outfit...
Luckily, the same skills that almost got me a job as a Photo Editor came into play - I grabbed some eyeliner and mascara, took a photo of myself and them spent ten minutes in Photoshop pasting my face onto Johnny Depp's (my sincere apologies to Mr. Depp and his many admirers - but this was an emergency) to create my own pirate portrait...
This, I stuck into the back of my CV, knowing that they would be suitable impressed when they found it. I then crafted an application letter that hinted at my interest in the more 'colourful' vacancies they weren't able to talk about on their website:
Dear Sir/Madam
I saw your company mentioned on the Simply Hired website and would be interested in utilising your services to find suitably gainful employment. I have attached my most recent resume with this email.
I am particularly interested in any specialist marine vacancies you might have; I was hoping that you might have some additional openings other than the ones you have listed on the 'Looking For Work' section of your website. After all, I understand that sometimes it isn't prudent to advertise every position you cater for...
I am hard working, loyal and not adverse to getting my hands dirty; I realise that times have changed somewhat in the employment market you cater for but I hope that you will recognise my skills and see fit to employ me in a position suiting my credentials and demeanour.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Regards
Oliver.
Hopefully, Pirate Staffing Employment Agency will recognise my inherent pirating potential and will soon be inviting me to climb aboard...
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Job No. 60 - Sales Eagle
Today, things took a tern firmly in the avian direction when I found myself a particularly exciting bird-related vacancy on Career Builder...
It is said that the dream of being able to fly like a bird is one of the most popular fantasies during childhood (I can certainly remember my failed attempts at leaping from the sofa, flapping my arms as fast I could - my mother encouraged me to try jumping from the roof instead) and so today's job would give me the opportunity to revisit those times (although hopefully without the fractured limbs and traction this time) as I would be employed as a Sales Eagle by a major electronics firm in Massachusetts...
Due to a combination of market forces and taxation pressures relating to climate change, it has become increasingly economically challenging for companies to employ mobile sales staff - the income they generate from sales often barely offsets the costs of keeping them on the road - and so more and more companies are looking for ways to reduce expenditure while maintaining client connections. Thus, this particular company have hit upon the brilliant idea of creating a sales force composed entirely of birds of prey...
Not only can the average Eagle cover more one hundred miles in a day under their own power, but also they can scavenge their own food and thus cut down on lunching expenses. By my calculations, the average sales company could reduce its bills by more than 60% if they adopted an avian workforce. Admittedly, even the most highly trained Eagle has a vocabulary of less than 15 words - but, I'm sure clients will respond well to the increased complexity of conversation that will now be available...
In the job description it said that "the ideal candidate will be a hunter motivated by success" - and, despite not being an Eagle myself, I was sure I could demonstrate the proper motivation. Thus, I hoped the company would give me a chance (in the spirit of equal opportunities) to join their convocation (honestly, a group of eagles is known as a convocation of eagles!). Recent technological advances in military equipment for Special Forces - in particular the Batwing - give me hope that I can deal with my most serious deficiency. In my application letter I gave some thoughts on how I could overcome the obvious physiological failings:
Dear Sir/Madam
I wish to apply for the position of Sales Eagle and have enclosed a recent CV for your consideration.
I believe that, given the opportunity, I could demonstrate myself to be a worthwhile member of your high-flying sales force. I possess excellent vision for sales targets and believe I can help your sales soar.
Obviously, there are certain physiological characteristics that you are looking for - and you may have imagined a specific Accipitridae, so to speak, for the role - but I am totally willing to do my utmost to fit in. I believe that there is a role for technology to assist the sales process and have done extensive research into cutting edge hardware that could help me fulfil all the demands of the position.
Regards
Oliver.
Well, I don't want to crow about it too much but I'm pretty certain that I'm in with a good shot at this one and could soon by winging my way to Massachusetts to join their elite sales forces...
It is said that the dream of being able to fly like a bird is one of the most popular fantasies during childhood (I can certainly remember my failed attempts at leaping from the sofa, flapping my arms as fast I could - my mother encouraged me to try jumping from the roof instead) and so today's job would give me the opportunity to revisit those times (although hopefully without the fractured limbs and traction this time) as I would be employed as a Sales Eagle by a major electronics firm in Massachusetts...
Due to a combination of market forces and taxation pressures relating to climate change, it has become increasingly economically challenging for companies to employ mobile sales staff - the income they generate from sales often barely offsets the costs of keeping them on the road - and so more and more companies are looking for ways to reduce expenditure while maintaining client connections. Thus, this particular company have hit upon the brilliant idea of creating a sales force composed entirely of birds of prey...
Not only can the average Eagle cover more one hundred miles in a day under their own power, but also they can scavenge their own food and thus cut down on lunching expenses. By my calculations, the average sales company could reduce its bills by more than 60% if they adopted an avian workforce. Admittedly, even the most highly trained Eagle has a vocabulary of less than 15 words - but, I'm sure clients will respond well to the increased complexity of conversation that will now be available...
In the job description it said that "the ideal candidate will be a hunter motivated by success" - and, despite not being an Eagle myself, I was sure I could demonstrate the proper motivation. Thus, I hoped the company would give me a chance (in the spirit of equal opportunities) to join their convocation (honestly, a group of eagles is known as a convocation of eagles!). Recent technological advances in military equipment for Special Forces - in particular the Batwing - give me hope that I can deal with my most serious deficiency. In my application letter I gave some thoughts on how I could overcome the obvious physiological failings:
Dear Sir/Madam
I wish to apply for the position of Sales Eagle and have enclosed a recent CV for your consideration.
I believe that, given the opportunity, I could demonstrate myself to be a worthwhile member of your high-flying sales force. I possess excellent vision for sales targets and believe I can help your sales soar.
Obviously, there are certain physiological characteristics that you are looking for - and you may have imagined a specific Accipitridae, so to speak, for the role - but I am totally willing to do my utmost to fit in. I believe that there is a role for technology to assist the sales process and have done extensive research into cutting edge hardware that could help me fulfil all the demands of the position.
Regards
Oliver.
Well, I don't want to crow about it too much but I'm pretty certain that I'm in with a good shot at this one and could soon by winging my way to Massachusetts to join their elite sales forces...
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