Job No. 31 - Concession Supervisor

As I waded through the recruitment sites this morning, I found yet more disturbing evidence of the way in which companies place so much emphasis on body shape. After the Heavyweight Creative debacle I had tried to put the issue behind me but, it seems there is no escaping it as I found that they do everything bigger in the USA. Heavyweight is clearly not enough for I found a position that places far greater demands on an individual's shape - Sales Representative with Unlimited Growth Potential.

Heaven only knows what macabre plans Horizon Foods have in mind for their new employees but you can rest assured it likely involves fattening up their staff (after all, as the slogan on their website states, there's always something cooking at Horizon). The final straw for me was their assertion that 'sit behind the desk types need not apply'. Incensed by the fact that being able to fit behind a desk was seen as a negative, I sent them a letter expressing my dismay:

Dear Bobby

I was hoping to apply for the position of Sales Representative but was a little taken aback by the mention of 'unlimited growth potential' in the advertisement. I feel, in this day and age, it is not a good thing to express the desire for unlimited growth and that, by marketing your positions in this way, you are potentially excluding some excellent candidates. I hope, with the benefit of hindsight, you will realise there are better methods to differentiate candidates and that you will not stigmatise those who do not aspire to unlimited growth.

Regards

Oliver.

Perhaps I should turn this into some form of campaign? I will have to look into it...

Nevertheless, I found a wonderful job to apply for today with a department store in Nottingham - Concession Supervisor. It seems to me it would prove to be quite a relaxing job, allowing you to go with the flow and live a stress free existence - and I think it is a very encouraging sign that stores are now actively hiring staff to concede to customers.

I assume that it is only necessary to concede on issues of fashion - for example, it would be acceptable to concede that pink was not the new black or that Miss Sixty jeans no longer seemed to have the same cachet as they did in the late 1990s, but entirely unacceptable to concede on areas such as quantum mechanics, political discourse or exobiology. It would, of course, be possible to concede on such areas during one's lunch hour - but that would be a case of conceding in one's spare time...

My application letter set out my philosophy on the matter:

Hi Tracey

I wish to apply for the position of Concession Supervisor (ref. TD 7860) and have attached my CV for your consideration.

I believe I could help you meet all forms of concessionary targets and that I would generate a high degree of yield in my work. I would love to get a little more information on the specifics of the concession involved - you mentioned luxury ladies fashion so I have assumed the concession would be specialise in this area. I am a great believer in excellent customer service and feel this type of role typifies what makes our stores an example to whole world.

Regards

Oliver.

I await their response with eagerness - although, I intend to let them know at the interview that I won't be conceding on my salary demands...

Job No. 30 - Internal Sales Support

Today I decided to explore the murky, barely-legal, world of Internal Sales…

Many people like to think that internal sales are little more than an urban myth, are quick to scoff at the idea of internal organs being bartered for and assume that we would only see such practises in countries like China – but they are blinded to the truth. You see, I have today found that there are scores of internal sales positions offered all over the country…

I decided to turn down the position of Internal Sales Advisor with BSC Recruitment as the job sounded a little too gory since their client specialised in the ‘supply of niche products to the chemical and power industries’. I can only surmise that working in the heart of a nuclear power station can overtax the odd bowel or two – leading to the need for surreptitious replacements…

So, moving away from the idea of handling people’s organs, I instead found a position in a similar area that seemed promising – Internal Sales Support for a company called Economatics. This seemed considerably less grisly – from their job advert it appeared that I wouldn’t be involved in supplying harvested organs but, instead, would be dealing in cyborg replacement parts:

“Economatics is the leading name in the supply and installation of Compressed Air Equipment, Pneumatic Control and Filtration Products”

This seems to me a particularly comprehensive set of internal items and I think it is truly remarkable what can now be achieved with the help of modern science. However, I must confess, that while I can imagine one or two uses for filtration products (and, one particular use for pneumatic controls stands out) I am hard pressed to understand how Economatics have managed to utilise compressed air equipment inside the human body. It was a matter, surely, to be discussed in my application letter:

Dear Kathy

I am writing in order to apply for the position of Internal Sales Support, as advertised on the Monster recruitment website and have enclosed my CV for your consideration.

Although I don’t have previous sales experience, I am highly enthusiastic, have a good technical knowledge, both mechanical and anatomical, and believe I could be an excellent addition to your team. I am a quick learner and would be intrigued to know, in particular, how you utilise compressed air technology.

Regards

Oliver.

I have a good feeling about this one, despite my lack of sales experience. So, the next time you ring up in urgent need of a mechanical internal organ, you might just find me at the other end of the telephone line, waiting to support you....

Week 4 - Update

This week I heard back from a couple of people - including a nice little postcard from NASA that told me that I hadn't got the job due to not being a US Citizen. I'm not sure whether or not this was the only reason they passed on me but I feel I can now openly boast that I lost out on being Deputy Director of the Exploration of the Universe Division due to a mere technicality!

The real highlight of this week, however, was when I opened my inbox to find that I had received an email back with regard to my application as a Lap/Pole Dancer asking me to ring them back and discuss the position. So, this morning, I decided to take them up on their offer and gave them a call. In order to protect their privacy, I will call the person I spoke to 'Bob; below, I have transcribed a small section of our conversation:

Me: Hi, this is Oliver I wrote to you about the lap/pole dancing vacancy - you asked me to give you a ring...

Bob: Ok, what would you like to know about it?

Me: Is it still open?

Bob: Yes, the vacancy is still open - why do you have any girls in mind?

Me: No, I applied for it myself...

Bob: Oh (long pause). You see only (pause)...we only have women dancing...umm... it's a women's club - I mean, it's a gentleman's club so we only have women...

Me: Oh right...no possibility at all?

Bob: No. Umm...you know, no ladies actually come to club, we only have men who come so no, we wouldn't take on a male dancer...

Me: Maybe if I auditioned? I'm quite good...

At which point, Bob (perhaps sensing the conversation was veering well away from him) decided to helpfully dig out the details of a club in Birmingham that did employ male pole dancers once a month...

I am more than a little sad that I have been so cruelly persecuted this week - first I was blatantly ignored due to my nationality and then I was overlooked simply because of my gender. All I need now is for Stephen Hawking to get back in touch and tell me he won't hire because he doesn't like my taste in music...

TFM Interview Update

Just a brief update to let you know that the interview I did with TFM last Thursday is now available to listen to online if you click on this link: http://www.solsbury-hill.co.uk/tfminterview3.mp3

Job No. 29 - Penetration Tester

Today I toyed with the idea of applying to work as a CAD Advisor for the Royal College of Art in London, but the prospect of spending my working days advising all manner of cads on issues such as which Sunday tabloid to sell their story to, how to best extract themselves from a sleazy affair with a prominent MP's wife and how to juggle the attentions of several wealthy heiresses was enough to make me think twice about applying...

And my decision to hold back on my application seemed to have been fully vindicated when I spied a vacancy to work for a US company called Vigilant Services, where I would be employed as a Penetration Tester...

So excited was I by the job title that, without even hesitating to read the job description fully, I rattled off a quick application letter:

Dear John

I wish to apply for the position of Penetration Tester and have enclosed my CV for your consideration.

Although I have not worked in this area on a professional basis, I believe that I have experience that makes a strong argument for my suitability. I would be interested to know more about the methodology you adopt for your testing regime - is it necessary to fully penetrate or is the mere proof of penetration adequate? Also, it would be useful to know what level of caseloads would be involved and the expectations of time required to penetrate?

Regards

Oliver.

However, no sooner had I emailed off my CV and application letter, when I reread the first line of the job advert in a little more detail. I discovered that Vigilant Services were looking for a 'flexible, energetic professional' with 'experience of penetration testing at a senior level'...

The smallest amount of doubt began to creep into my mind - why did I need to be flexible? And what was so important about experience of penetration at a senior level? And then, it occured to me that, nowhere in the advert had it specifed the exact nature of the role - what, I asked myself, if contrary to my assumptions, they were not looking to employ a penetrator but were, instead, intent upon finding themselves a penetratee...

Realising I had misjudged the role, I tried frantically to recall the email but it was too late. However I have decided that, should Vigilant Services get in touch to ask me to come into the office and give a live demonstrate of my flexibility and penetration skills, I will politely decline.