An off topic rant...

Well, I'm taking time out from my usual job applications to bitch, whine, moan and generally rant about the immigration service in the UK and how much I've enjoyed dealing with them today...

So, the story starts because my wife is a foreign national and has a visa that permits her to stay in the UK for two years.

Now, since my wife's passport has expired and is with her consulate being renewed, I contacted the immigration service at the point in time where it would be possible to apply for a new visa allowing her to permanently settle in the UK - this was the 23rd March - and asked what the situation was when applying for a new visa without a current passport. No problem, said they, you can send in the application with a covering letter but - they said - it would be easier if you could wait until nearer the time (which happens to be tomorrow, April 19th) in case the passport becomes available to pick up.

Ok, I thought - no problems; I'll wait until the very last day then, if the passport becomes available we can send it off and, if it doesn't, I just send the covering letter that I've got prepared...

Well, the passport still wasn't ready by this morning so I got ready to send off the application. However, while putting together the package to send I realised that I'd made an error on one of the pages of the application form so I hopped online, googled up the form - it's a SET(M) form if you're interested - and pulled up the PDF file.

The application form looked completely different.

Assuming I'd clicked the wrong file I navigated back and checked - nope, this was the SET(M) file and there was some text about it having changed on April 2nd 2007...a small alarm bell started to ring in my head...

I flicked through the information - from April 2nd, the form and application process had changed and, not only had the fees more than doubled (£335 to £750), but there was a requirement for all applicants to have passed something called the Life in the UK test.

To say I was displeased is an understatement - I could have posted the form with a covering letter on the 23rd March but only held off because the immigration service told me it would be easier if I waited. Of course, they neglected to mention that if I waited I'd also incur an extra £415 in application fees, plus a £34 test (and the £10 book you need to revise the information from!).

It got worse.

I rang the immigration department and explained the problem. To paraphrase, they told me 'tough'. Apparently this change had been in the news so I should have known about it. Not only that but - because my wife hadn't passed the Life in the UK test (since we didn't even know it existed until this morning and you can't take it within seven days of booking it) she can't apply for the settlement visa but must, instead, apply for an extension of stay until she can take the Life in the UK test...

The extension visa costs £395 and will last a month or two until she has to take the test, at which point we will have to pay an additional £750 to apply for a settlement visa. So, due to the advice of the immigration service, the cost of the visa has risen from £335 to £1189 (a not entirely insubstantial increase of 355%).

And, just when I thought the day could get no better, I read about the Life in the UK test...

Apparently, the sort of information that you need to know in order to be deemed fit to live in the UK is as follows (and I've taken this from the website!):

• What and when are the Patron Saints' Days of the four countries of the UK?
• What type of constitution does the UK have?
• What are the powers of the devolved administrations?
• What are quangos and non-departmental public bodies?
• How is education different in Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales?
• Who can offer information on occupational or personal pensions?
• What documents must a child have before they can work?

Now, if you know all the answers to those off the top of your head then I'm almost impressed. But I'm betting that the average man or woman who has spent most of their adult life in the UK will struggle to answer almost all of those questions. Apparently, you're not fitting into UK life and culture if you don't know this stuff...

Never mind that my wife works in Higher Education, has a Bachelor's in Linguistics and knows considerably more about how to use the English language than I do - it is obviously far more important that she knows about the powers of the devolved administrations and what documents children need before they can work...

Enough is enough...

Right near the start of the blog I decided to take off the comment moderation but, after coming back to my blog after a few days away to find a veritable feast of advertising for items such as steroids, teen sex movies and viagra, I've realised that I'm going to have to turn the moderation back on...

What does this mean for you if you want to leave a comment for me? Well, probably that it will take a day or two until I get around to checking out and approving (or deleting, if you're a spam merchant) your comment...

Sorry I've had to change things but there's only so many of these things I can take!

Job No. 76 - Resident Sex Therapist

While taking an idle wander through the Guardian jobs site this morning, I happened upon a role which intrigued me. And while I was sure it may prove to be hard work, I was certain that I could rise to the occasion as a Resident Sex Therapist at the Academy of Sex and Relationships in London...

As well as running workshops based on various exhibits (details of exactly what exhibits were rather vague) I would be tasked with creating touring exhibits. This led me to consider suggesting some form of sexual performance on a tandem – not only a vitally interesting touring exhibit but also extremely environmentally friendly). Additionally, I would have to be ‘on hand’ as a resident Sexpert to assist staff in engaging with the public (although, I have to say, I think this is taking the idea of staff development a little too far).

The chief requirements mentioned in the advert were that the candidate needs to be ‘dynamic, energetic and charming’ – three characteristics which I’m certain I can manage to fake during the course of an interview. I could turn up in a hurried fashion wearing a business suit (dynamic), tell the interviewer she’s wearing a smashing blouse (charming) before peeling off said business suit to reveal lycra shorts and vest and jogging out of the interview room (energetic). A plan that surely has success written all over it.

The person specification asked that candidates have a degree in the field but I’m certain that having studied the first year of an Economics degree should more than enough qualify me for the position. In my application letter I made sure that my overwhelming enthusiasm and creative thinking shone through:

Dear Roddy

I wish to apply for the position of Resident Sex Therapist, as advertised on the Guardian jobs site and have attached my CV for your consideration.

I am dynamic, energetic and charming and feel that I am fully capable of demonstrating these characteristics within an interview environment. However, I also have a huge enthusiasm for the job and possess a wide variety of creative ideas that I believe could catapult the Academy to the very forefront of sexual therapy.

Certainly I feel there is considerable potential for touring exhibitions – perhaps a series of outdoor demonstrations to fire both public and media interest? I would be happy to discuss my ideas with you in more detail and look forward to hearing from you soon…

Regards

Oliver Davies.

I’m certain that the Academy of Sex and Relationships will be quick to get me onboard once they see the quality of my ideas and, perhaps, this summer you can look out for a cycling sextravaganza coming to an A-road near you…

Poetry update...

As regular readers will be aware, way back in October, I entered a poetry competition - which resulted in me being sent a rather splendid letter from poetry.com telling me that my poem had so impressed the judges that I had made it through to the semi-finals of the competition and that I could have my poem published in an anthology of poetry (for only a small sum). Well, obviously I was excited but - being a little short in the cash department - I was unable to take them up on their kind offer (or, indeed, take advantage of their kind offer of a multi-volume order discount)...

Then, on the 2nd of November, poetry.com realised they needed to up the ante as I received the following email:

Over the past several months, we have been reviewing the thousands of poems submitted to us, as well as examining the poetic accomplishments of people whose poetry has appeared on the Internet and in various editions released by other poetry publishers in America and Europe. After an exhaustive examination of this poetic artistry, The International Library of Poetry is pleased to inform you that you have been nominated for inclusion in THE INTERNATIONAL WHO'S WHO IN POETRY.

Congratulations on your accomplishment, Oliver. This is an extraordinary honor. The International Who's Who in Poetry will be among the finest quality and most interesting books we have ever produced, and poets from several nations around the world will be featured. Each poem published will be exhibited on a page by itself. Every aspect and design of this anthology will display an uncompromising level of craftsmanship and attention to detail. This coffee-table quality book will be printed in two colors on fine milled paper, and it will feature a highly detailed, ornate cover and quality typography throughout. It will make a handsome addition to any library, a treasured family keepsake, or a highly valued personal gift.
Obviously I was elated with this news - a ringing endorsement of my poetic credentials - but, again, they needed a small amount of money from me - $49.95 for the book, $19 for postage and handling and a (nominal) fee of $25 to prepare and print my artist's profile. It was such a wonderful offer but I just couldn't quite bring myself to shell out all that money (even for such a finely crafted anthology) and so I resigned to not hearing from poetry.com again...

And was therefore surprised when, on 27th December, I received a further email from poetry.com that was so exciting that I almost collapsed in shock. Thankfully I was sitting down when I opened the email:

Dear Oliver,

The Editors of The International Library of Poetry were thrilled to inform you that your poem was bestowed the prestigious Editor's Choice Award because of your artistic accomplishments and unique perspective--characteristics found in the most noteworthy poetic works. To further commemorate this prestigious achievement we have elected you to receive the 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin.

This stunning pin proudly displays your elevated status in our poetic community. Since only an elite group of published poets were selected to receive this special honor, imagine the sense of pride you will feel when others see you wearing the 2006 Editor's Choice Published Poet Ribbon Award Pin. What an impressive way to show off your status as an honored poet for the year 2006!

As you can see from the picture above, the pin in question is clearly an exquisite work of art and - were it not for the $19.95 plus $5 shipping - would be extremely tempting to any would be poet. Since receiving the email, many have been the times that I've reflected on the sense of pride I would have felt when others saw me wearing it. Oh well, I guess it just wasn't to be...

And then, just when I had resigned myself to the fact that poetry.com was only interested in me for my money, I received a (frankly stunning) email from them on the 13th January which surely demonstrates that they are interested in me - first and foremost - as a poet and artist:

It's something we don't often do, but after reading and discussing your poetry, the Editorial Advisory Board of the International Library of Poetry has nominated you for membership in the most exciting poetry organization in the world--the International Society of Poets!

The Editorial Advisory Board wholeheartedly agrees that your poetic writings warrant nomination into the International Society of Poets--a poetry organization that is world-renowned and dedicated to recognizing poetic talent such as yours. As Chairman, I want to personally inform you about all the new benefits of Membership, and I did not want you to miss out on this opportunity. Oliver , I know that after hearing what we are about, you will join us as a member of our society--the International Society of Poets!

The excitement was palpable (which is surely the best kind of excitement). I am so glad that the quality of my poetry is due to be recognised within my own lifetime. Now, I just need to find $149 for my annual membership fee and I can join my poetic brethren...

Hmmm...

Well, it's been an interesting couple of days for the blog...

The previous highest number of visitors in one day was way back when on September 19th when the blog was featured on the Guardian's newsblog and 1,200 of them turned up...

However, these last couple of days have seen over 3,000 visitors a day, which may not be much for a mega blog but - for me - is quite impressive. However, I must confess, it has made me feel slightly guilty about not doing applications on a more frequent basis.

Although, not so guilty that I'm going to go back to doing an application every day because I'm just too busy. Really. It's not just an excuse for laziness (trust me, I know them all)...